Crash It
Jeremy: Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.
It's not realistic, it's crazy!
Hey, don't do this for the other person.
It's about saying yes to yourself and saying yes to your future.
And have some opportunities for yourself.
I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.
And how about you?
Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
John: God, wouldn't that be sweet?
Jeremy: Wouldn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand,
needing you, wanting you, taking you?
John: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second.
Let's finish this and let's move on.
Jeremy: Get out and get some strange ass.
John: You don't think we're being, I don't want to say sleazy cause that's not the right word,
but a little irresponsible, maybe?
Jeremy: No! One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh, say we were young and stupid.
A couple of dumb kids running around.
John: We're not that young.
Jeremy: How many times are you gonna do this shit?
Rule #32, you don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
John: Rule 16, give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy: Rule #76, no excuses, play like a champion.
Claire: They're all full of shit.
John: What?
Claire: Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just suckling at the power teat.
John: No, no, come on, they're here because they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, cause they wanna believe in true love.
Claire: What's true love?
John: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire: It's a little cheesy, but, I like it.
Someone once told me that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
~Claire Cleary
Rule #1, never leave a fellow crasher behind.
~John Beckwith
John: You can't marry this guy.
Claire: Why?
John: Because I've fallen for you.
Sack: They're not who they say they are, Claire.
Those aren't even their real names.
Claire: What?
Sack: Everything he told you is a lie.
Claire: I don't understand what you're saying.
Sack: Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
All of it is a lie.
Claire, to John: Is that true?
John: Well, no, it's not entirely.
Claire: No, it's a yes or no question.
John: I know, but it's complicated.
Claire: Yes or no?
John, sigh: Yes... with shades of grey.
I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? I dig it!
~Jeremy Gray
When you know what you want, you know what you want.
~Secretary Cleary
Jeremy: Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that I'm...
John: I'm hanging by a thread.
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years.
I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: Would mean a lot to me if you came.
You better get your ass for that wedding.
John: You met her at a funeral.
Chaz: Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
It's like fishing with dynamite.
John: Horny?
Chaz: Yeah, crazy horny.
John: I just... at a funeral?
Chaz: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
John: All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.
But I've never gotten that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes, for longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good. I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile...
Claire: And pathetic.
John: Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.
But you know what? It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place that was really me.
Maybe not my name. I'm John Beckwith, by the way, or my job.
But the feelings we felt, the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
I've changed. I've realized something.
I crash a funeral earlier, and I...
And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost a person she loves the most in this world.
And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is. But not me, not right now.
Because the person I love the most is standing right here, and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
I'm just asking you, not to marry him. [addressing Sack]
And maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Sack: Wow! This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?
Claire: I'm sorry.
I am.
Sack: What?
Claire: I can't marry you.
Sack: Secretary, your daughter's a little...
Mr. Secretary: Sack, I've always liked you, so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters,
and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
I stand by my daughter.
*****
Rule #32, you don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
John: Rule 16, give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy: Rule #76, no excuses, play like a champion.
Claire: They're all full of shit.
John: What?
Claire: Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just suckling at the power teat.
John: No, no, come on, they're here because they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, cause they wanna believe in true love.
Claire: What's true love?
John: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire: It's a little cheesy, but, I like it.
Someone once told me that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
~Claire Cleary
Rule #1, never leave a fellow crasher behind.
~John Beckwith
John: You can't marry this guy.
Claire: Why?
John: Because I've fallen for you.
Sack: They're not who they say they are, Claire.
Those aren't even their real names.
Claire: What?
Sack: Everything he told you is a lie.
Claire: I don't understand what you're saying.
Sack: Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
All of it is a lie.
Claire, to John: Is that true?
John: Well, no, it's not entirely.
Claire: No, it's a yes or no question.
John: I know, but it's complicated.
Claire: Yes or no?
John, sigh: Yes... with shades of grey.
I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? I dig it!
~Jeremy Gray
When you know what you want, you know what you want.
~Secretary Cleary
Jeremy: Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that I'm...
John: I'm hanging by a thread.
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years.
I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: Would mean a lot to me if you came.
You better get your ass for that wedding.
John: You met her at a funeral.
Chaz: Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
It's like fishing with dynamite.
John: Horny?
Chaz: Yeah, crazy horny.
John: I just... at a funeral?
Chaz: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
John: All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.
But I've never gotten that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes, for longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good. I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile...
Claire: And pathetic.
John: Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.
But you know what? It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place that was really me.
Maybe not my name. I'm John Beckwith, by the way, or my job.
But the feelings we felt, the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
I've changed. I've realized something.
I crash a funeral earlier, and I...
And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost a person she loves the most in this world.
And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is. But not me, not right now.
Because the person I love the most is standing right here, and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
I'm just asking you, not to marry him. [addressing Sack]
And maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Sack: Wow! This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?
Claire: I'm sorry.
I am.
Sack: What?
Claire: I can't marry you.
Sack: Secretary, your daughter's a little...
Mr. Secretary: Sack, I've always liked you, so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters,
and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
I stand by my daughter.
*****