SHREK [2001]

The Prince Isn't Charming
The Princess Isn't Sleeping
The Sidekick Isn't Helping
The Ogre Is The Hero 
Fairy Tales Will Never Be The Same Again

Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up!

[Shrek]

I live in a swamp! 
I put up signs! 
I'm a terrifying ogre! 
What do I have to do to get a little privacy? 

[Shrek]

Wow, that was really scary. 
And if you don't mind me saying, 
if that don't work your breath will certainly get the job done, 
cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!

[Donkey]

Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.

[Donkey]

All right, nobody move! 
I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! 
I'm a donkey on the edge!

[Donkey]

Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, 
but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

[Lord Farquaad]

[Magic Mirror]: So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, 
because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.

[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]  
Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. 
She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. 
Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. 
Let's hear it for Cinderella!

[changes to images of Snow White] 
Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. 
Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. 
Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. 
Give it up for Snow White!

[changes to Princess Fiona] 
And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle 
surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! 
But don't let that cool you off. 
She's a loaded pistol who likes piñacoladas and getting caught in the rain. 
Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! 
So, who will it be? 
Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3? 

[Lord Farquaad]: Uhhh, Number 3!

[Magic Mirror]: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.

The winner of this tournament - 
no, no, the privilege - 
will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! 
Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, 
and so on and so forth... 
Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

[Lord Farquaad, to his knights]

[Captain of Guards, as Donkey flies through the air on pixie dust]: He can talk! 

[Donkey]: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! 
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, 
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly! Ha, ha! 
[pixie dust wears off] Uh-oh!

[Pinocchio]: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! [nose grows]

[Captain of Guards]: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

[Shrek]: WHY are you following me?

[Donkey]: Oh, I'll tell you why 
[starts to sing] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me 
/ My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! 
/ But ya gotta have friends... 

[Shrek]: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!

[Donkey]: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that truly honest! 

[Donkey]: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?

[Shrek]: That would be my home. 

[Donkey]: Oh and it is LOVELY. 
You know, you're really quite a decorator. 
It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. 
I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home] 

[Donkey]: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?

[Shrek]: I like my privacy. 

[Donkey]: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. 
I hate it when you've got someone in your face, 
you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, 
and then there's that big awkward silence...  
[big awkward silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?

[Shrek]: What? 

[Donkey]: Can I stay with you? Please?

[Shrek]: Of course! 

[Donkey]: Really?

[Shrek]: NO! 

[Donkey]: Please! 
I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... 
Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! 
You gotta let me stay!

[Shrek]: I already told you, didn't I? 
You're not coming home with me! 
I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! 
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

[Donkey]: But... I thought... 

[Shrek]: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.

[Donkey]: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, 
what you got against the whole world anyway, huh? 

[Shrek]: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? 
It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! 
People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" 
They judge me before they even know me - 
that's why I'm better off alone...

[Donkey]: You know, Shrek... 
when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. 

[Shrek]: Yeah, I know.

[Donkey]: Okay, let me get this straight: 
you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, 
which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. 
Is that about right? 

[Shrek]: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

[Shrek]: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. 

[Donkey]: Example?

[Shrek]: Example... uh... ogres are like onions! 

[Donkey]: They stink?

[Shrek]: Yes... No! 

[Donkey]: Oh, they make you cry?

[Shrek]: No!

[Donkey]: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, 
start sproutin' little white hairs...

[Shrek, peels an onion]: NO! Layers. 
Onions have layers. 
Ogres have layers. 
Onions have layers. 
You get it? 
We both have layers. 

[Donkey]: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. 
You know, not everybody like onions. 
What about cake? 
Everybody loves cake!

[Shrek]: I don't care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes. 

[Donkey]: You know what ELSE everybody likes? 
Parfaits! 
Have you ever met a person, you say, 'Let's get some parfait,' 
they say, 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait'? 
Parfaits are delicious!

[Shrek]: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! 
Ogres are like onions! 
End of story! 
Bye-bye! 
See ya later. 

[Donkey]: Parfait's gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

[Donkey]: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers? 

[Shrek]: Oh, aye?

[Donkey]: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. 
We wear our fear right there on our sleeves. 

[Shrek]: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!

[Donkey]: You know what I mean. 

[Shrek]: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

[Donkey]: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge 
over a boiling lake of lava! 

[Donkey]: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

[Shrek]: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her. 

[Shrek]: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

[Shrek]: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

[Donkey]: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

[Shrek]: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. 

[Donkey]: How do you know that?

[Shrek]: I read it in a book once.

[Donkey]: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!

[Dragon looms above Donkey]

Oh, what large teeth you have!

[Dragon roars] 

I mean, white sparkly teeth! 
I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, 
but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! 
And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? 
And you know something, you're...

[the Dragon looks closer and Donkey sees she's female]

A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! 
You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... h
ey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye?

[Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke] 

Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. 
I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. 
SHREK!

[Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away]

[Donkey]

[Donkey]: Hi, Princess! 

[Princess Fiona]: It talks!

[Shrek]: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! 

[Princess Fiona, after Shrek and Donkey rescue her]: The battle is won. 
You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

[Shrek]: Uh, no... 

[Princess Fiona]: Why not?

[Shrek]: I... have helmet hair. 

[Princess Fiona]: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

[Shrek]: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst. 

[Princess Fiona]: But... how will you kiss me?

[Shrek, bangs his head]: What? That wasn't in the job description! 

[Donkey]: Maybe it's a perk!

[Princess Fiona]: No, it's destiny! 
You must know how it goes! 
The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss... 

[Donkey]: With Shrek? 
Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?

[Princess Fiona]: Well, yes! 

[Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter]

[Princess Fiona]: What is so funny?

[Shrek]: Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right? 

[Princess Fiona]: You're an ogre...

[Shrek]: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming? 

[Princess Fiona]: Well, yes, actually. 
Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! 
It's not supposed to be an ogre!

[Princess Fiona, as ogre]: Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.

[Donkey, gasps]: Oh, my God, you ate the princess!

[Donkey]: Princess?... You look... uh... different.

[Princess Fiona, as ogre]: I'm UGLY! Okay? 

[Donkey]: Yeah! What was it, something you ate? 
I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!

[Princess Fiona]: No. it's... it's been this way as long as I can remember. 

[Donkey]: What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!

[Princess Fiona]: It only happens when the sun goes down. 

By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm 
/ Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form.

[Donkey]: Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. 

[Princess Fiona]: It's a spell! 
When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. 
Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! 
I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. 
That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.

[Donkey]: All right, all right, calm down. 
It's not so bad. 
You're not that ugly... well, you are. 
I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. 
But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7! 

[Princess Fiona]: But Donkey, I'm a princess! 
And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!

[Donkey]: How about you don't marry Farquaad? 

[Princess Fiona]: I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.

[Donkey]: Well, you're kind of an ogre. 
And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common. 

[Princess Fiona]: Shrek?

[Shrek]: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?

[Donkey]: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER! 

[Shrek]: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. 
I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!

[Donkey]: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!

[Shrek, about to burst into the cathedral]: What are you talking about?

[Donkey]: The line, the line you gotta wait for: 
the priest's gonna say 'Speak now or forever hold your piece', 
and you rush in and say 'I object!'

[Shrek]: I don't have time for all that!

[runs forward]

[Donkey, stops Shrek]: You love this woman, don't ya?

[Shrek]: Yes. 

[Donkey]: Do you wanna hold her?

[Shrek]: Yes! 

[Donkey]: Please her?

[Shrek]: YES! 

[Donkey]: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! 
Chicks love that romantic crap!

[Shrek]: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line? 

[Donkey]: ...We gotta check that out.

[Princess Fiona]: I wanted to show you before...

[turns into an ogre] 

[Shrek]: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.

[Shrek is hit by an arrow] 

[Princess Fiona]: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...  

[Donkey]: Why, what's wrong?

[Princess Fiona]: Shrek's hurt! 

[Donkey]: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

[Shrek]: Donkey, I'm okay! 

[Donkey]: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! 
Keep your feet elevated! 
Turn your head and cough! 
Does anybody know the Heimlich...?

[Princess Fiona, grabs Donkey]: Donkey, calm down! 
If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns. 

[Donkey]: Blue flower, red thorns! 
Okay, I got it! 
Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! 
Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light! 

[Shrek]: DONKEY!

[Donkey]: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!

[runs off] 

[Shrek]: What're the flowers for?

[Princess Fiona]: For getting rid of Donkey.

[Shrek]: Fiona? Are you all right?

[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]

[Princess Fiona]: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

[Shrek]: But you are beautiful. 

[Donkey]: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...

[Shrek and Fiona kiss]

*****