MISS CONGENIALITY [2000]

Unpolished

Unkempt

Unleashed

Undercover

The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus! 

[Gracie Hart]

I haven't seen a walk like that since 'Jurassic Park!'

[Victor Melling]

If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... 

which is perhaps why I've never reproduced. 

[Victor Melling]

[Gracie Hart]: I would so love to hurt you right now. 

[Victor Melling]: As long as you smile. 

[Victor Melling]: What, no armored car?

[Gracie Hart]: That would be in my other dress. 

[Victor Melling]: Your hair should make a statement. 

[Gracie Hart]: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'! 

[Victor Melling, teaching Gracie how to glide]: See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. 

Don't I look pretty? 

[Gracie Hart]: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

[Gracie Hart]: My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth? 

[Victor Melling]: Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue. 

[Victor Melling]: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

[Gracie Hart]: Oh, 'I' have sarcasm? 

When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain? 

[Victor Melling]: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - 
and that works for me! 

[Gracie Hart]: You know what? 

I don't have relationships because I don't want them, 
 an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. 

And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

[Eric Matthews]: What do you say, Hart? 

[Gracie Hart]: No freakin' way. 

[Eric Matthews]: Sparky, why not?

[Gracie Hart]: Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace? 

[Eric Matthews]: It won't be like that. 

Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.

[Gracie Hart]: Yeah, right, in a thong.  

[Eric Matthews]: Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. 

You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl? 

[Gracie Hart]: No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave. 

[Eric Matthews]: No, that's why they 'let' me pick you. 

You wanna know why I picked you? 

[Gracie Hart]: Lost a bet?

[Eric Matthews]: Because you're smart. 

Because you don't take any crap from people. 

You're funny. 

You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. 

Look, give yourself a break. 

Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.

[Gracie Hart]: Where am I gonna keep my gun?

[Eric Matthews]: Nowhere I wanna know about!

[Eric Matthews]: You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this. 

[Gracie Hart]: I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. 

And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts. 

[Eric Matthews]: Funny, me too.

[Stan Fields]: What is the one most important thing our society needs? 

[Gracie Hart]: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan. 

[crowd is silent] And world peace! [crowd cheers ecstetically]

[Stan Fields]: Thank you, Gracie Lou. 

[Gracie Hart]: And thank 'you', Stan.

[Gracie walks offstage]

[Victor Melling]: That was charming. Are you drunk? 

[Gracie Hart]: I'm glad you enjoyed it. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!  

[Stan Fields]: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

[Cheryl 'Rhode Island']: That's a tough one. 

I'd have to say April 25th. 

Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

[Cheryl 'Rhode Island']: My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies. 

[Karen 'New York']: No wonder you're still a virgin. 

[Kathy Morningside]: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. 

What would you say to them? 

[Gracie Hart]: Well, I would have to say... I used to be one of them. 

And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. 

And we've become really good friends. 

I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face... oh, wait a minute, I've already done that! 

And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

[Victor Melling]: My God, I did it! 

[Gracie Hart]: And if anyone, anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. 

I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. 

And if they ran, I would hunt them down. 

Thank you, Kathy. 

[Victor Melling]: A brief shining moment and then that mouth! 

*****