JUNO [2007]

A Comedy About Growing Up
And The Bumps Along The Way


Rollo: Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the crime dog. Back for another test?

Juno: I think the first one was defective.

The plus sign looks more like a division symbol so I remain unconvinced.

Rollo: Third test today, mama bear. Your eggo is prego, no doubt about it.

 Bleeker: I guess do whatever you think you should do, you know?

Juno: I'm sorry I had sex with you.

I know it wasn't, like, your idea.

Bleeker: Whose idea was it?

Juno, over the phone: It's just like, really awkward to talk on.

I need an abortion.

I'm 16.

I'm gonna say it's been about 2 months and 4 days since the sex.

Mind you, that's just, like, a guesstimation.

Sorry, how long have I been what?

(Ugh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active".

What does it mean? That I deactivate someday?

Or is this some sort of permanent state of being?)

 Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know.

It can feel pain.

And it has fingernails!

~Su Chin

Juno: I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

Leah: Dude, you got to keep your voice down, okay?

My mom is inside.

She doesn't know that we're sexually active.

Juno: What does that even mean?

I was thinking I could have this baby and give it to someone that totally needs it.

Like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple nice lesbos.

Juno: I'm pregnant.

Mom: Oh, God.

Juno: Yeah, but I'm gonna give it up for adoption.

And I already found the perfect couple.

They're gonna pay for the medical expenses and everything.

And, what, 30 odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.

Dad: You're pregnant.

Juno: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And if it is any consolation, I have heartburn that is radiating my kneecaps, 

and I haven't taken a dump since... Wednesday. Morning.

Mom: I didn't even know you were sexually active.

Dad: Who is the kid?

Juno: The baby? 

I don't really know much about it, other than... it has fingernails, allegedly.

Dad: Who is the father, Juno?

Juno: It's Paulie Bleeker.

Dad, smirks: Paulie Bleeker?

Juno: What?

Dad: I didn't think he had it in him.

Leah, giggles: I know, right.

 Mom, about the adoption: Juno bug, that is a tough tough thing to do.

It's probably tougher than you can understand right now.

Juno: I know.

It's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.

Mom: Had you considered, you know... the alternative?

Juno: No.

Mom: Well, you're a little Viking.

Dad: I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.

Juno: I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

Dad: You think this is my fault?

Mom: I think kids get bored and they have intercourse.

And I think June bug was a dummy about it, Mac.

Dad: I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.

Mom: You're not gonna be a Pop Pop.

Somebody else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.

Dad: Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?

Mom: Yeah, but I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs.

Dad: That was my first instinct, too, or a DWI.

Anything but this.

And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener next time I see him.

Mom: Mac, come on, you know it wasn't his idea.

Juno: My stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor and they said I was 12 weeks.

Vanessa: That's great, that's marvelous.

So you're into your second trimester.

Juno: Uh, yeah, apparently. I'm due on May fourth.

Vanessa: My girlfriends tell me that the first couple of months are the hardest.

Juno: I didn't notice it at all, actually.

I'm more concerned about when they have to put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.

Vanessa: I think pregnancy's beautiful.

Juno: You're lucky it's not you.

Vanessa: Are you looking for any other type of compensation?

Juno: What? No. I don't want to sell the thing.

I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it and be good parents, you know?

I'm in high school.

I'm ill-equipped.

Vanessa: I want to be a mommy so badly.

Dad: You don't say.

Vanessa: Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?

Dad: Yes. Heating and air-conditioning.

Vanessa: There you go.

I was born to be a mother.

Some of us are.

Mark: That supposed to make me feel... happy?

Juno: You should feel happy, homes.

I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life... sweet, screaming, pooping life,

and you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in...

Mark: Viscera?

Juno: Blood and guts.

USG technician: Would you like to know the sex?

Leah: Yes.

Juno: No. Definitely no, there's no sex.

USG technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver.

Juno: I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and if you told me, I'll ruin everything.

USG technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?

Juno: No. They're the adoptive parents.

USG technician: Oh, well, thank goodness for that.

Mom: What's that supposed to mean?

USG technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.

It's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.

Juno: How do you know that I'm so poisonous?

What if these adoptive parents turn out to be like, evil molesters?

Leah: Or, like, stage parents?

Mom: They could be utterly negligent.

Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass stepdaughter ever would.

Have you consider that?

USG technician: No, I guess not.

Mom: What is your job title exactly?

USG technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Mom: Well, I'm a nail technician, and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.

USG technician: Excuse me?

Mom: Oh, you think you're so special cause you get to play picture pages up there?

My 5-year-old daughter could do that.

And let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

So why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade?

You should have gone to China.
Cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods.
~Juno

Juno: I'm gonna start looking like a pretty big dork soon.
You still going to think I'm cute when I'm huge?
Bleeker: I always think you're cute.
I think you're beautiful. 

Bleeker: You're being immature.
You have no reason to be mad at me.
You broke my heart. 
I should be royally ticked off at you, I should be really cheesed off,
I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore. 
Juno: What, cause I got bored and had sex with you, and I didn't want to marry you? 
Bleeker: Like I'd marry you?
You'd be the meanest wife ever.
And I know that you weren't that day, because there was a lot of stuff on TV, 
and The Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz,
and you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out."
And if so, we should watch it.
And then but, "Oh, no, we should make out instead," la, la, la. 
Juno: You just take Katrina the douche packer to prom. 
I'm sure you two will have a real bitchin' time. 
Bleeker: I still have your underwear. 
Juno: I still have your virginity. 
Bleeker: Will you shut up?
Juno: Are you ashamed that we did it? 
Bleeker: No.
Juno: Because at least you don't have to have the evidence under your sweater.
I'm a planet.

 Mark: I'm leaving Vanessa.
Juno: What?
Mark: Getting a place in the city. Got it all planned.
This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.
 Juno: No...
Mark: No?
Juno: No, you definitely can't do that. 
Mark: What is the matter?
Juno: You guys are supposed to take care of this, you know? 
Mark: I thought you'd be cool with this.
Juno: Cool? 
I want things to be perfect. 
I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.
 Look... I'll have the baby and Vanessa's going to be so happy.
Mark: A baby's not going to fix everything, 
besides I don't know if I'm even ready to be a father.
Juno: But you're old.

Mark: Why are you over here?
 Juno: I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.

Mark: Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
Juno: You were in love when you married her.
And if you're in love once, you can be in love again.
You're just not trying hard enough.

A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.

A man becomes a father when he sees his baby.

Mark: It happen so fast.

We've put the ad on the paper and I thought that it was going to take months, if at all,

 and then, 2 weeks later, she's on that couch.

Vanessa: She anwered our prayers.

Mark: Ever since then, it's been like, a ticking clock.

Vanessa: What are you saying?

Mark: That it feels a little like bad timing.

Vanessa: What would be s good time for you, Mark?

Mark: There's just some things that I still want to do.

Vanessa: Like what? Be a rock star?

Mark: Don't mock me.

Vanessa: I'm just saying that this is something that's never going to happen.

 You know, your shirt is stupid.

Grow up.

If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain I'm never gonna be a mother.

Mark: I never said I'd be a good father. 

 

 The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are.

 Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.

The right person's still gonna think the sun shines out your ass.

~Mac MacGuff

 

 Juno: I think I'm in love with you.

Bleeker: You mean as friends? 

Juno: No, I mean for real. 

Cause you're like the coolest person I've ever met,  and you don't even have to try.

 Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.

Juno: You're naturally smart, and you're not like everyone else.

You don't stare at my stomach all the time. 

You look at my face, and every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.

 Bleeker: It does?

[Juno put his hand to her belly and Bleeker feels it] Wizard.

 Juno: I think it's cause my heart starts pounding every time I see you.

Bleeker: Mine, too.

 Juno: That's all I've could ask for.

You're golden, man.

Bleeker: Can we make out now?

 

Vanessa: How do I look?

Bren: Like a new mom. Shitty and scared.

 

 As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.

He is the cheese to my macaroni.

 And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce,

 but I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

~Juno

 

 

 

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