CLICK [2006]

What If You Had A Universal Remote... 

That Controlled Your Universe? 

Trudy: Hey, Michael, who are you talking to?

 Michael: I'm talking to my boss, Ma, take it easy.

Trudy: Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life.

You got family here.

You're busy, come on.

Michael: Every choice I make, everything I do, I disappoint somebody.

Donna: Make sure you don't keep disappointing the wrong people.

Morty: You're looking for a universal remote control?

Michael: Yeah. Just one device to do it all for me, 

make my life a little easier, quicker, not so damn complicated.

 Michael: Where's the box?

Does it come with directions?

Morty: Not necessary.

Just point, click.

Eventually, it will program itself.

Morty: This item is non-returnable.

Michael: Why would I wanna return something I got for free?

You wanted a universal remote control that remote-controls your universe.

~Morty

Remember the leprechaun?

 He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But when he gets there at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

~Morty

Michael: Morty, why did you do this to me?

Morty: You did this to yourself, Michael.

Michael: No, no, I didn't wanna waste all that time.

I didn't wanna lose Donna!

Morty: The remote goes by your behavior.

Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won.

Michael: No, not true!

Morty: Lie to your wife. Lie to yourself.

But you cannot lie to the remote. 

The remote is lie-proof, so you can't change what already happened.

Family comes first.

~Michael Newman

Michael, on note: Will you still love me in the morning?

Donna: Forever and ever, babe.

*****

50 FIRST DATES [2004]

The Ultimate Bachelor 

Will Face The Ultimate Challenge

Henry: I think she's a local girl. I wanted to go up to her but I was kind of off my game.
But man, was she cute, though.
Alexa: I thought you liked your bitches from out of state.
Henry: Yeah, that's usually my policy. Make sure I don't get tied down.
Alexa: Sounds to me like someone is afraid of commitment.

 Henry: I like your laugh.
Lucy: I like when you making me laugh.

Henry: What's happening here? Is she crazy or something?
Sue: Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.
About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident.
She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple.
Her father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury.
She lost her short-term memory.
Henry: So she can't remember anything?
Sue: No, no, no. She has all of her long-term memory.
That's a different part of the brain.
Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers.
She just can't retain any new information.
It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.
Henry: Hold on, this sounds like something I would tell a psycho girl, so she'd stop calling me.
Am I the psycho girl?
Sue: I wish I was making this up. She has no memory that she ever met you.
Henry: What about the pineapple-picking thing?
Sue: She says that every day, because each morning she wakes up thinking it's October 13th of last year.
She comes here for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays, and October 13th was a Sunday.
She has no idea it's more than a year later.
Henry: She reads the newspaper.
Sue: It's a special paper her father puts on their porch every night.
It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed up.
Lucy does the same thing every day.

Henry: And this is what happens every single day.
Ula: How long it gonna take for her memory to come back?
Henry: Her doctors say it may never come back.
Ula: So basically, what you're saying is... she's the perfect girl for you.
Henry: What do you mean?
Ula: You can hang out all day with no attachment, because...
Henry: Her plane leaves every night? There's a problem with that.
Ula: What is?
Henry: It's evil.

It's my Father and I work too hard to protect Lucy to let some idiot ruin it all.
~Doug

If you know her condition, you know she can't have a normal relationship with the man.
Because the next morning, she won't know who he is.
And any guy who's okay with that, ain't okay with me.
~Marlin

Henry: Can I ask you guys something?
What's gonna happen down the line? 
Someday she'll wake up, look in the mirror and notice she aged 10 years overnight.
Marlin: You know something, Henry?
I worry about that every damn day of my life.

Henry: It's gonna be all right, Luce.
Lucy: Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.
Marlin: Sweetie, you're sort of dating him.
Lucy, gasp: But, I...
Henry: Sorry I'm not better-looking.
Lucy: What else happened since last October?
What about my students?
Marlin: Miss Campbell took over your class.
Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?
Marlin: Yeah.
Lucy: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaii contest?
Doug: I didn't know there was gonna be a urine test.
Lucy, to Henry: Do we have sex?
[everybody stares at him]
Henry: No, we don't. Just so everybody knows that.

Tammy: So you must be Lucy's friend, the one who made the tape.
Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?
Henry: Yes, ma'am.
Alicia: So, every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it,
then get her to fall in love with you again?
Henry: Yes, ma'am.
Alicia: Gosh.
[hit her husband] You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

Lucy: Do you love me?
Henry: Wow... Well, love is a very loaded word.
I go to this restaurant every morning, and I see you there, reading.
And... I love you very much.
Probably more than anybody could love another person.

The Hukilau was the place.
Where I first saw your face.
We liked each other right away.
But you didn't remember me the very next day.
Forgetful Lucy, has got a nice caboose-y.
I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat.
But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat.
And we drove up to see Dr. Keats.
And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets. 
Forgetful Lucy, cracked her head like Garu Busey.
But I still love her so, and I'll never let her go.
Even if while I'm singing this song, she's wishing I had Jocko the walrus' schlong.
Forgetful Lucy, her lips are so damn juicy.
How about another first kiss.

Henry: Lucy, will you marry me?
Lucy: Of course.
Henry: Good. Don't forget about me.
Lucy: Never.

Doug: Did you tell Lucy about this trip?
Henry: Actually, there's nothing to tell because I decided not to go.
I mean, Lucy needs me here.
I'm just worried about going away for a year and ruining all the progress she's made.
I know you think I'm crazy, but I think deep down inside she's starting to remember who I am.
Dr. Keats: No, Henry.
That's what you want to believe. It's what we all want to believe.
But it's not gonna happen.

Lucy: I was so nervous to come here
and meet the guy that makes me fall in love with him every day.
Henry: You probably thought I couldn't live up to the hype.
Lucy: No, I was nervous because I came here to break up with you.
You had plans and a life before you met me
and now all you have time for is to make me fall in love with you every day.
I look at my dad and my brother's lives and I won't do that to you.
Henry: What do you want me to do? Be some chapter in your scrapbook and go?
Lucy: No. My plan is to erase you completely so it's as if you never existed.
Henry: Why are you doing this?
Lucy: Because you have to understand that there is no future with me.
Don't you want to have a career and marriage and children?
Henry: I asked you to marry me last night. You said yes.
Kids? Yeah, I'd love to do it.
Lucy: But, how is that going to work?
I'm gonna wake up every morning with an enormous pregnant belly 
and no memory of how it happened?

Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry, but I dream about you almost every night.
Why?
Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day
used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?
Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.
Henry: You erased me from your memories
because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life.
But you made a mistake.
Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life.
You're the girl of my dreams and apparently I'm the man of yours.

*****

BIG DADDY [1999]

Once You Adopt A Kid, 

You've Got To Keep Him

I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. 

That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me to be a good father. 

And that's exactly what I'm gonna be. 

[Sonny]

[Sonny]: I'm thinkin' about keepin' the kid. 

[Phil D'Amato]: Sonny, remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, 

but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet-training it?

[Sonny]: Yeah... 

[Phil D'Amato]: Well, this is kinda like that - except with a human!

[Sonny]: I got some interesting news? 

[Lenny]: Oh yeah, what?

[Sonny]: I kind of adopted a kid.

[Lenny]: What the hell are you talking about? 

[Sonny]: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations! 

[Lenny]: Who the hell would give you a kid?

[Sonny]: Social Services. 

[Lenny]: You idiot! You better give that kid back! 

[Sonny]: His mother's... hang on, hang on.
[shouts at Julian from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy! 

I tried to give him back. 

I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. 

I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing! 

[Lenny]: You damn right you don't know what the hell you doing!

[Sonny]: The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. 

You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit.

[Lenny]: Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES! 

[Sonny]: Oh, I appreciate that Dad. 

[Lenny]: He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you! 

[Sonny]: WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THEN YOU! 

[Lenny]: That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself.

[Sonny]: I care about you saving money on this phone call. 

[Julian, after finding out he has to be taken from Sonny by the social services]: 

You don't want me here anymore? 

[Sonny, close to tears]: No, that's not it, pal. You just have to go away for awhile.

[Julian]: How long am I going away for?

[Sonny]: I don't want to lie to you. I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore. 

I screwed up, I'm so sorry. 

Come here, put your coat on. 

This is not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot 

[Julian]: I don't wanna go! 

[Sonny]: I know you don't, but you have to. You'll be okay, alright?

[Julian, cling to Sonny]: Please don't make me go. 

I won't play the Kangaroo Song anymore. 

[Sonny]: I know buddy, that's not it.

[Julian]: Please, I promise! 

I'm sorry, I don't even like that song anymore! 

And I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass! 

[Sonny]: I know!

*****