ELF [2003]

 
This Holiday, Discover Your Inner Elf

There are only 3 jobs available to an elf.

The first is making shoes at night, while the old cobbler sleeps.

You can bake cookies in a tree.

As you can imagine, it's dangerous, having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.

But the third job, some call it "The Show", or "The Big Dance",

It's the profession that every elf aspires to, and that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.

It's a job only an elf can do.

Our nimble fingers, natural cheer and active minds, are perfect for toy-building.

~Papa Elf

 The Code of The Elves.

1. Treat everyday like Christmas.

2. There's room for everyone on the nice list.

3. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

Buddy: Santa's sleigh.

Papa Elf: You're gonna help me make it fly.

Buddy: I thought the magical reindeer made the sleighs fly.

Papa Elf: And where do the reindeer get their magic from?

Buddy: Christmas spirit, everybody knows that.

Papa Elf: Well, silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus.

Buddy: What?!

Who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?

Papa Elf: Well, there's a rumor floating around that the parents do it.

Buddy: That's ridiculous.

I mean, parents couldn't do that all in one night.

What about Santa cookies? I suppose parents eat them, too?

Papa Elf: Yeah, I know. 

And every year less and less people believe in Santa Claus.

We have a real energy crisis on our hands.

You're not a cotton-headed ninny-muggings.

You're just special.

~Elf Ming Ming

Santa: Buddy, your father... well, he's on the naughty list.

Buddy: No!

Santa: Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life.

That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh?

Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.

Jovie: I'm just trying to get through the holidays.
Buddy: Get through?
Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!

Buddy: I wish Dad were here.
Michael: Why?
Buddy: Cause he's the greatest Dad in the whole wide world.
 Michael: Are you kidding? He's the worst Dad in the world.
 Buddy: What do you mean?
 Michael: All he does is work.
 Buddy: Working's fun.
Michael: Not the way he does it. 
All he cares about is money. 
He doesn't care about you, or me, or anybody. 
Buddy: Well, he is on the naughty list.

 Buddy: I'm not an elf, Santa, I can't do anything right.
Santa: Buddy, you're more of an elf than anyone I ever met.

Michael: What happened?
Santa: You made my sleigh fly.
Michael: What do you mean?
Santa: Well, before the turbine days, this baby used to run solely on Christmas spirit.
You believed in me. You made my sleigh fly.
Michael: Hold it.
If you're really Santa Claus, then we can just get some news cameras in here, 
and everyone will believe in you, then your sleigh will fly, right?
 Santa: Christmas spirit is about believing, not seeing.
If the whole world saw me, all would be lost.
The paparazzi have been trying to nail me for years. 

 



*****

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK [2000]

He taught her how to live

She taught him how to love

Will: It's got nothing to do with you.

Lyn: Really?

Will: Really. I can only offer you what we've got, right now, just this.

Until it's over and it will be over.

I could've put off telling you but it wouldn't be fair, so...

Lynn: I don't understand this.

How can you be so sure? It's only been a few weeks!

Feelings change, situations evolve. You don't even really know me.

Will: Maybe not, but I know me. I'm sorry.

[when Will leaning to her]

 Will: Close enough?

Charlotte: Yes. I was hoping gravity would do the rest.

I can smell the rain.

When did I learn how to do that?

What should we do, Will, with this moment that we're in?

~Charlotte Fielding

Will: This isn't right. You... You are...

Charlotte: Young.

Will: Yes, and I am...

Charlotte: Old.

Will: Older.

Charlotte: Much older.

Will: Alright, much older.

The point is, I could put this off, but I genuinely like you.

So I want to be clear from the start, so there's no confusion later on, okay?

What I want to say to you is that all I'm able to offer you 

is this, what we have right now. Nothing more. Until it ends.

What I mean is, we have no future.

Charlotte: I know.

I'm sick.

Will: What do you mean?

Charlotte: It's my heart. Nobody even thought I'd last this long.

I could've put off telling you but I genuinely like you.

And I wanted to be clear right from the start

so there was no chance for any confusion later.

Dolly: What can I say, Will? Time is a thief.

One day you're rich as an Arab. 

Next day you're lucky if you can afford pistachio nuts.

[Will took a photograph of Katie]

It's funny. Most of us are young for what, about a minute and a half?

Not Katie. Katie will be young forever. So will the guy she married.

I console myself with that idea sometimes.

Who'd have thought what time had in store for her.

Will: I'm sorry, I should have called after the accident.

Dolly: On the other hand, time is in love with some people.

Like you, for instance. You look exactly the same.

Will: Please...

Dolly: Handsome. And up to your old tricks, looks like to me.

Leave her alone, Will. 

Will: We're totally wrong for each other, I know. I could be your father.

Charlotte: I prefer Uncle.

Will: Do you think we should break this off?

Charlotte: Afraid you might feel something?

Well, look at it this way.

We can have it real, which we both know is way better.

And you wouldn't have to pay full price, 

because in a year or so I'd be just a sob story you could use to bag more chicks.

Will: That is pathetic characterization.

Charlotte: I'm way out front in the love race.

Will: What? Love is not a race.

Charlotte: Our love is.

Will: Our love?

Charlotte: Yes, we're going for it, aren't we?

Will: I'm a food guy. Why don't you ask me about food?

Charlotte: Why are you the food guy? What is it about food?

Will: Food is the only beautiful thing that truly nourishes.

Charlotte: Is that a quote?

Will: That's me.

Will: Look, I never pretended to be what I'm not.

Charlotte: Why?

Will: Why? Alright, fine, why? 

Because I felt like it! Because nothing stopped me!

Charlotte: What about love?

Will: Why do you have to be so juvenile?! 

It was nothing! It was nothing! It meant nothing!

If I could be different... I would.

Charlotte: What about love?

Will: You know what? 

This was all wrong. This was a mistake, right from the beginning.

You're a kid, I'm a creep.

You've got better things to do with your last... with your time, then spend it with a man like me.

Charlotte: You never talk to me. You never tell me what to do.

Dolly: Charlotte, take a good look at me. You want me to tell you what to do?

Charlotte: Yes! You're my family! You're my family.

You're supposed to take care of me.

John: Don't bullshit me, what did you do?

Will: I had sex with Lynn McHale up on your roof.

John: You're kidding me?

Will: No, I'm not kidding you.

Charlotte found out. Now she's gone. Totally.

John: I'm really sorry you did that.

Will: I blew it.

John: You can't get her back?

Will: I blew it.

John: So?

Will: So, I just go back to the way I was.

John: How are you gonna do that?

Will: It's just gonna get worse. The more attachment on both sides, leading to what?

Is now or later, right?

I leave her a few months from now, she... No, this is better. This is much better.

[lean on John] I wish the fuck I'd never met her.

John: I hate to tell you, but there's only 2 kinds of love stories.

Boy loses girl, girl loses boy, that's it. Somebody always get left behind.

Try and avoid that, you'll end up an old man looking at the mirror toasting yourself an eggnog at Christmas.

Will: I don't care!

John: You're going to die in your own arms!

Will: I don't care! I want it over with now!

Lisa: I really just wanted to meet you. And maybe... I don't know...

Will: What? Tell me.

Lisa: It's not big deal.

I've always had a fantasy that you were looking for me.

And all you really wanted was to say that you were sorry.

Will: Lisa, I am.

Will: I need to talk to you.

Charlotte: I think you've wasted enough of my time.

Will: What I did was very wrong. And stupid.

I have no excuses.

I did what I did because I was scared.

Charlotte: You were a coward!

Will: Can you forgive me?

Charlotte: You betrayed me! For what? Because you got the shakes?

Will: I was scared.

Charlotte: You don't think I'm scared?!

You don't think I'm hanging onto my courage by my fingernails?!

[Will try to hug her]

Don't touch me! Get away from me! Get out of here! Just go!

You're not good enough.

Will: I know... I know I'm not.

Can you let me love you? Please?

Please, please let me try again.

Will: She doesn't have long. Weeks. Maybe less.

Lisa: And they can't do anything for her?

Will: No, her doctor says when it's hopeless at the end, surgery could be an option.

Heroic surgery, she calls it.

That's why I'm out looking for someone to make sure that when the times comes,

it's a hero that performs it.

I haven't found anybody yet though.

I can't find anybody who's even willing to attempt it. I will!

I'm going to find someone because I can't lose her!

It won't happen. She's too young.

I'm sorry. I'm here, but I have no right to be here. 

There's no excuse for what I did to you, Lisa. 

You were my child. You needed me.

I'm so sorry.

Charlotte: What's more important is, what do you want for Christmas?

Will: No, you already gave me my present.

Charlotte: I forgot. Did you like it? [Will nod] What was it again?

Will: Misery, heartbreak, pain, happiness, love, life.

Charlotte: I remember now.

Will, hug her: What can I give you?

Charlotte: More of this.

Charlotte: What were you doing in Ohio?

Will: I had a meeting with heart specialist. He's willing to operate.

Charlotte: That's exactly what I didn't want you to do.

You went behind my back. You lied to me. This is what we talked about...

Will: Cut it out! Stop!

Charlotte: No, we talked about that!

Will: You do not want to die! You want to live!

Charlotte: You think I haven't been through this? So many times!

I don't want to give people hope when there isn't any.

Will: Why not? Maybe we need hope.

Maybe I need to know that I've done everything that I could do.

Charlotte: What would I do, Will, if you weren't here?

Where would I be, seriously?

Will: You'll never have to worry about that.

Charlotte: I'll do whatever I have to do.

I'll tear up the papers, I'll tell the doctors. Whatever you want.

Cause I really want... I don't want to leave you.

Will: "Time cannot break the bird's wing from the bird.

The bird and wing together, go down, one feather.

No thing that ever flew, not the lark, not you, can die as others do."

Charlotte: What have I done to you?

Will: You ruined me for other women.

Charlotte: I saved you for them.

*****

MARLEY & ME [2008]

Heel the Love

A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. 

A water log stick will do just fine. 

A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. 

Give him your heart and he'll give you his. 

How many people can you say that about? 

How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? 

How many people can make you feel extraordinary? 

~John Grogan

You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, 

don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute, 

because you know, we couldn't find a better dog. 

I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog. 

I love you.  

~John Grogan, to Marley

Woke up to a kiss from Marley. Went for a walk that turned into a run. 

Took an airboat ride. 

Wrote a column about the death of the ever glades. 

Planted an orange tree in the backyard. 

Threw sticks for Marley in the park. 

Watched him swim in the bay. Watched him steal some guys Frisbee. 

Bought a new Frisbee for the guy. 

Gave Marley a bath. 

Went to work with writers block. Hoping for inspiration strike. Nada. 

Got a new shirt. Got a new keyboard. Got the same old paycheck. 

Went wind surfing with Sebastian. 

Met his new girlfriend Sasha. Met his other new girlfriend Angie. 

Watched models posing in the surf. Wrote a column about the growth of south beach. 

Interviewed Gloria and Emilio Estefan at the Cardoso hotel. 

Introduced them to Jenny who gushed like a teenager. 

Went shopping at the mall. Bought a Sharper Image pillow. Slept like a baby. 

Caught Marley eating the pillow. Hide the evidence from Jen. 

Cleaned Marley's vomit in the kitchen. 

Helped Jenny make dinner. Over cooked the Spaghetti. Got into a food fight. 

Proof-read Jenny's column. Read Sebastian last opus. 

Went running with Marley to burn off frustration. 

Didn't see him chew through the leech. Chased him 15 blocks. 

Called Jenny for a ride. 

Wrote a column about gas prices. Wrote a column about water prices. 

Found one tiny orange on our tree. Jenny very pleased with herself. 

Found my first gray hair. Found Jenny's first gray hair. 

Bought Jenny flowers. 

Rescued our new mail man from Marley. Rescued the UPS guy from Marley. 

Invited my parents to visit. 

Took them out to dinner at a cool place on south beach. 

Got into a fight with Dad over the check. Got into a fight with Dad about money. 

Got into a fight with Jenny about all the fighting. 

Drove my parents to the airport. 

Listen to them complain about not having grandchildren. 

Tracked a hurricane heading for south Florida. 

Hid in the bathroom from the hurricane. Sat in the dark for 3 days. 

Wrote a column about looters. Wrote a column about volunteers. 

Wrote a column about the beauty of air conditioning. 

Watched Marley dig for buried treasure. 

Spent Christmas with Jens sister with her family in Orlando. 

Left Marley at their house to go to Disney world. Had to buy them new baby furniture. 

Saw Jen light up around the little girls. 

Got a flat riding home. 

Wrote a column about state troopers. Wrote a column about toll booths. 

Went to dinner to celebrate Jenny's raise. 

Tied Marley to a table. Chased Marley and the table. Caught the table. 

Wrote a column about Marley pulling the table. 

Tried to write a column about anything but Marley. Nada. 

Picked Oranges from our tree. Made Orange Juice. 

Drove down to Miami for Bark-in-the-Park night at the Marlins game. 

Turned out Marley was a real baseball fan. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the stands. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the field. 

Wrote a column about the ball game. 

Took crap from Sebastian about it. 

Met his new girlfriend, can't remember her name. 

Went snorkeling with them. Cut my leg on a piece of coral. 

Went to the emergency room. 

Wrote a column about hospitals. 

Went to a Easter egg hunt at Jenny's boss's house in Boca. Drank mimosas. 

Met a doctor that does 3 lipo suctions a day. 

Wrote a column about nannies in Boca. Wrote a column about the women in Boca. 

Wrote a column about writing columns. 

Came home to find Jenny dancing with Marley. 

Trying to think of reasons not to have a baby now. Nada. 

~John Grogan

There were 11 thunderstorms while you were gone, 11! 

You were right, he doesn't like them and just so... 

You know, I am a dog person but that is not a dog, 

that is evil with a dog face that humps my leg and is peeing on your carpet.  

~Debby

Jennifer: You're part of the plan.

John: Oh yeah? 

Jennifer: My plan... Step 1, meet an incredibly sweet, smart, sexy man. 

John: Done. Step 2? 

Jennifer: Marry you instead.

Arnie Klein: There's gonna come a time very soon, 

when her ankles are gonna swell up, she's gonna have blotches all over her face, 

she'll be forty pounds overweight, she'll be throwing up all the time, 

she's gonna look at you and she'll say "You bastard! You did this to me!" 

John: What happened to the glow, you know the... 

Arnie Klein: There's no glow.

Coleen: I made a picture of me and Marley, Mommy wrote what I said. 

Dear Marley I'll never forget you forever and there's kisses and hugs.

John: That's pretty, why don't you put it there [on the blanket covering Marley]

Connor: Dear Marley, I love you more than anything in the whole world. 

I hope you like heaven and have lots of things to chew on. 

Your brother, Connor Richard Grogan.

John: That's a good one. 

Jennifer: Patrick do you want to say something?

Patrick: No.

Jennifer: I want to give him something, 

[takes off her necklace, to John] your Dad gave me this to celebrate the beginning of our family, but our family had already begun. 

[to Marley] Goodbye clearance dog. 

*****