THE PINK PANTHER [2006]

Pardon His French


 Clouseau.
Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name, Clouseau was just a little nobody.
A police officer in some little village far outside of Paris.
He was the village idiot as far as I could tell.
As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field.
 Clouseau generated many, many stories.
Needless to say, Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever.
~Dreyfus

Nicole: You'll find that Paris can be a very political place.
 Clouseau: Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.
 

I have a message for the killer;There is no place you can hide.
There is no place you cannot be seen.
Killer, I will find you, because I am the servant of the nation.
Because justice is justice, and because France is France.
~Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Nicole: Don't you need some rest?
Clouseau: Crime doesn't rest, Nicole.
I have waited a long time to prove myself.
And I've been given the opportunity of a lifetime.
And I intend to show the world exactly who I am and what I can do.
I must not fail.
Nicole: You won't. I know it.

A crime is like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have to have the jig and you have to have the saw.
You have the jig, but no saw.
Where is your saw?
~Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Dreyfus: Understand something, Clouseau.
When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought you had any value as a detective.
It was because I thought you were the stupidest policemen in all of France.
A hopeless, deluded idiot.
Clouseau: Then I was not promoted for my merits?
Dreyfus: I only made you inspector because I needed someone who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready to take over the case myself.
 Clouseau: I was trying to catch a killer.
Dreyfus: You were trying to become a hero.
Well, you will be stripped of your rank, ridiculed by the media and I will be done with you.

You forgot a fundamental truth about women.
A women is like a artichoke.
You have to do a bit of work before you get to her heart.
~Inspector Jacques Clouseau



*****

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN [2003]

Growing Pains? 

They've Got Twelve Of Them!

Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

[Tom]

 

Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. 

The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.

[Kate]

I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland 

we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. 

We still have a mess of children, but no theories. 

Sure, 12 is still our number. 

It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. 

It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. 

And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.

[Kate]

Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?

[Lorraine]

Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.

[Lorraine]

Does anyone besides me think our ‘happier and stronger’ life, 

is actually code for ‘nastier and suckier’?

[Sarah]

Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. 

We'd be, eleven.

[Jake]

This is the moneymaker! 

I'm not that good of an actor! 

This is how I get the jobs, I know that.

[Hank, motions to his face]

All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.

[Hank]

*****

JUST MARRIED [2003]

Welcome To The Honeymoon From Hell

I had the perfect relationship that was ruined by marriage.
~Tom Leezak

Why the hell did we get married when we had loving each other so completely nailed?
Why does anyone get married?
Does it make sense to be with one person for your entire life?
People change. They grow.
~Tom Leezak

Tom: Are you sure that you don't wanna marry a guy like Peter?
Sarah: If I wanted to know exactly what my life would be from here on out, 
I would marry a guy like Peter.
But I love not knowing.
I love our messy loft... your beater car.
I wanna start a life with you.

Kyle: I hope she doesn't spook on you, man.
Tom: What do you mean?
Kyle: I love Sarah, don't get me wrong.
But rich chicks spook.
A powerful daddy plus family money equals expectations.
Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.
Tom: Our marriage is not gonna have a fungal rot.
We're gonna be happily married every day for the rest of our lives.

Sarah: We can catch the 2 o'clock train to Venice and go straight to the Gianna.
Tom: Our reservation isn't until Tuesday.
Sarah: So we'll stay a few extra days.
Tom: I just put an entire castle on my credit card.
We can't afford to stay at the Gianna for a few extra days.
Sarah: So, I'll call my dad up and he'll lend us the money.
Tom: No, there's no possible way I'm taking money from your dad.
Driver: Pride is the crutch of the insecure.
Sarah: You are not taking the money. I am taking the money.
Tom: No, we don't need to take the money. This is about us now.
Listen, my dad told me about this little pensione in Venice...
Driver: Pensione? Grobes Scheibhaus.
Tom: Excuse me, could you just drive?
Sarah: Please, just let me call my dad.
Tom: No! This our honeymoon, not his.
Sarah: So it's fine to just stay at a pensione that your father recommended?
Tom: But we're staying at the Pensione Funicello, and we'll gonna have a hell of a good time.
Sarah: I can't take this anymore!
Honeymoons are supposed to be all champagne, and room service, and lovemaking!
We haven't made love!
What do we get?
We get evicted from a 5-star hotel, and, to boot, I'm yelling at you!
We're yelling at each other!
We're not yelling at each other.
I'm the one that yelling.
I'm sorry...
I wanna go home.

My feelings for you were very, very strong, 
and I needed to know that they were real.
I wasn't brought up to manage feelings like that very well.
~Sarah McNerney

I was married for 27 years before my wife passed away.
Believe me, the first months are the most difficult.
~Bernardo Salviati

Tom: Do you know if my wife's up in the room?
Clerk: A good husband knows where his wife is at all time.
Tom: And a good maitre d' answers questions when he's asked.
[The Clerk threw the key to Tom]
Tom: Look, I'm not gonna pay you for an answer.
Clerk: In this case, you should.
[Tom gave him the money]
Clerk: Your wife is in a car on her way to Salviati's... with Mr. Prentiss.
Tom: Mr. Peter Prentiss?
[The Clerk nods. Tom gave him another money]
Tom: What's Salviati's?
Clerk: One of the oldest and most beautiful estates in Venice.
Maybe Mr. Peter will buy it.
Tom: Of course Mr. Peter will buy it.
All right, where is this place?
[Tom gave him another money]
Clerk: You can't go. You will be shot on sight.
Tom furious and handed him out another money: OK! When are they coming back?
Clerk: Your wife and Mr. Peter are out for the evening.
Tom: You know what?
I'm not gonna be waiting here for her when she gets back.
Oh, no!

Tom, as Sarah open the door: You slut!
Sarah: Excuse me?
Tom: You had your tongue down his throat.
I saw it out the window!
Sarah: Did you see me slap him, then?
Tom: Don't give me that!
Some part of you want him! Just say it!
Sarah: Fine, I'm not gonna lie any more.
Certain things would be easier, given his background.
And a small part of me thought that I wanted that once. A very small part.

[Sarah picks up the bra]
Tom: That's yours.
Sarah: Yeah, sure.
It matches perfect with my red leather panties! [hit him with the bra]
 Tom: Ok, I met a woman at a bar. Nothing happened.
Sarah: You picked up a total stranger at a bar, brought her back to our honeymoon suite, 
and took off her disgusting red bra?
Tom: Nothing happened, I swear.
Sarah: No, the bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.
Tom: Sarah...
Sarah: You sit there and make me feel guilty for a kiss,
a kiss that I didn't even want for the first place!

You sat at our wedding!
You heard us take our vows.
And you still had the nerve to show up on our honeymoon and try to have sex with my wife?!
~Tom Leezak to Peter Prentiss

Tom: Maybe they were right.
Sarah: Who?
Tom: Everyone.
They said that we were too young, and that we needed to get to know each other better.
Maybe they were right.
Sarah: Maybe love isn't enough.

Tom: I feel like we've been married for 50 years.
Sarah: Oh, you should be so lucky.
Tom: Tell me how Peter ended up in our hotel?
Sarah: Tell me what really happened with Red Bra?
I hope you used a rubber.
Tom: No, I didn't! It didn't get that far.
I hope Peter used one though.
Sarah: They don't sell condoms that big.

Tom: I just don't know if love is enough any more.
Mr. Leezak: What do you mean 'enough'?
Tom: I mean, even if Sarah and I do love each other, 
maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
Mr. Leezak: So, what you're saying here is,
you had a couple of bad days in Europe, and it's over.
Time to grow up, Tommy.
Some days your mother and me loved each other.
Other days we had to work at it.
You never see the hard days in a photo album.
But those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.
I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk, but that's what you got dealt.
Now you gonna work through it.
Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy.
I saw how you love this girl.
How you 2 lit each other up.
She doesn't need any more security that that.

Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening...
You don't want me to be with Sarah, and I can't change that.
I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years.
I don't know who we're gonna be.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this.
There are a million things that I don't know.
But there's one thing that I do.
And that's that I love Sarah.
And I'm going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life.
Now, will you please, please, open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.
~Tom Leezak

Tom: I'm sorry.
Sarah: Me too.
Tom: I miss you.
Sarah: I miss you, too.
Tom: I miss wrecking airplane bathrooms with you.
Sarah: I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball.
Tom: And torching hotels in Europe.
Sarah: I miss doing time in prison with you.
Tom: Do you wanna try to...
Sarah: Definitely.


*****