BRUCE ALMIGHTY [2003]

In Bruce We Trust?

God, why do you hate me?

~Bruce Nolan

 B-E-A-utiful!

~Bruce Nolan

 Bruce: I'm pushing 40, and what have I got to show for it?

I've hit some kind of a ceiling here.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.

He gets the stories, he gets on sweeps.

Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Jack: You don't wanna be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Bruce: I can be an asshole.

Jack: No, Bruce, you can't.

I guess that how's life, isn't it?

Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat,

while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

Oh, well, no big deal!

~Bruce Nolan

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce: That I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me.

A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

I have no bird, I have no bush.

God has taken my bird and my bush.

Grace: So, God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?

Bruce: No, He's ignoring me completely.

He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.

He could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to, 

but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!

~Bruce Nolan

News flash! I'm not okay!

I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment!

I'M NOT OKAY WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!

~Bruce Nolan

You're the one who should be fired!

The only one around here not doing his job is You!

ANSWER ME!!!

~Bruce Nolan

Denied that promotion at work?

Is life unfair?

Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?

Is your name Bruce?

Then do we have the job for you.

We're located at 77256 23rd Street.

So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.

~Man on the phone

You always were funny, Bruce, just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son.
People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor.
There's freedom in it.
Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
~God

Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one.
Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.
Bruce, I'm God.

God: I brought you here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job.
You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.

Here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are only 2 rules.
You can't tell anybody you're God.
Believe me, you don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with free will.
~God

God: You've had my powers for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
Bruce: I took care of a few things.
I righted a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I could help the world.
God: The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth.
I didn't want to start you off with more than you can handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to it.

Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
God: Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.

Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.
~God

God: It's a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce: There were so many, I just gave them all what they wanted.
God: Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

You know what I do every night before I go to bed?
I tuck my kids in, maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
~Debbie, to Bruce

Bruce, as God handed him prayer beads: What do you want me to do?
God: I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead, use them.
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry.
And bring peace to... all of mankind.
How's that?
God: Great. If you wanna be Miss America.
Now, come on, what do you really care about?
Bruce: Grace...
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No.
I want her to be happy, no matter what that means.
I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now through your eyes.
God: Now that's a prayer.

Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
~Bruce Nolan


*****

PATCH ADAMS [1998]

Laughter Is Contagious

I wanted to become a doctor so I could serve others. 

And because of that, I've lost everything. 

But I've also gained everything. 

[Hunter Patch Adams]

All of life is a coming home. 

Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. 

All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. 

It's hard to describe what I felt like then. 

Picture yourself walking for days in the driving snow; 
you don't even know you're walking in circles. 

The heaviness of your legs in the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. 

How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. 

Home. 

The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. 

And the storm? 

The storm was all in my mind. 

Or as the poet Dante put it: 
In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, 
for I had lost the right path. 

Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place.

[Hunter Patch Adams]

*standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide. He talks to God...* 

So what now, huh? What do you want from me? 

*looks down over cliff, a rock tumbles off* 

Yeah, I could do it. We both know you wouldn't stop me. 

So answer me please. Tell me what you're doing. 

Okay, let's look at the logic. 

You create man. Man suffers enormous amounts of pain. Man dies. 

Maybe you should have had just a few more brainstorming sessions prior to creation. 

You rested on the seventh day. 

Maybe you should've spent that day on compassion. 

*looks down over the cliff again* 

You know what? You're not worth it. 

*walks away from the cliff*

[Hunter Patch Adams] 

We need to start treating the patient as well as the disease. 

[Hunter Patch Adams]

Now you have the ability to keep me from graduating. 

You can keep me from getting the title and the white coat. 

But you can't control my spirit, gentlemen. 

You can't keep me from learning, you can't keep me from studying. 

So you have a choice: you can have me as a professional colleague, passionate, 
or you can have me as an outspoken outsider, still adament. 

Either way I'll probably still be viewed as a thorn. 

But I promise you one thing: I am a thorn that will not go away 

[Hunter Patch Adams]

When I was a girl I would look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars; 
I envied them so much. 

No matter what they were before, no matter what happened to them, 
they could just hide away and turn into these beautiful creatures that could fly away completely untouched. 

[Corinne Fisher]

You're focusing on the problem. 

If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. 

Never focus on the problem! 

[Arthur Mendelson]

See what no one else sees. 

See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. 

See the whole world a new each day! 

[Arthur Mendelson]

Our job is to rigorously and ruthlessly train the humanity out of you and make you into something better. 

We're gonna make doctors out of you. 

[Dean Walcott]

*****

LIAR LIAR [1997]

Trust Me

I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

[Max Reede]

[Max Reede]: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.

[Fletcher]: That's just something ugly people say.

[Max Reede]: Is wrestling real? 

[Fletcher]: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

[Fletcher]: You brought your kids to your divorce? 

[Samantha]: Sympathy.

[Fletcher]: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already! 

*****