WEDDING CRASHERS [2005]

Life's a Party
Crash It 

 Jeremy: Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic, it's crazy!

Hey, don't do this for the other person. 

It's about saying yes to yourself and saying yes to your future.

And have some opportunities for yourself.

I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,

grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And how about you?

Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John: God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy: Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand,

needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy: Get out and get some strange ass.

John: You don't think we're being, I don't want to say sleazy cause that's not the right word,

but a little irresponsible, maybe?

Jeremy: No! One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh, say we were young and stupid.

A couple of dumb kids running around.

John: We're not that young.

Jeremy: How many times are you gonna do this shit?
Rule #32, you don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
John: Rule 16, give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy: Rule #76, no excuses, play like a champion.

Claire: They're all full of shit.
John: What?
Claire: Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just suckling at the power teat.
John: No, no, come on, they're here because they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, cause they wanna believe in true love.
Claire: What's true love?
John: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire: It's a little cheesy, but, I like it.


 

Someone once told me that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
~Claire Cleary

Rule #1, never leave a fellow crasher behind.
~John Beckwith

John: You can't marry this guy.
Claire: Why?
John: Because I've fallen for you.

Sack: They're not who they say they are, Claire.
Those aren't even their real names.
Claire: What?
Sack: Everything he told you is a lie.
Claire: I don't understand what you're saying.
Sack: Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
All of it is a lie.
Claire, to John: Is that true?
John: Well, no, it's not entirely.
Claire: No, it's a yes or no question.
John: I know, but it's complicated.
Claire: Yes or no?
John, sigh: Yes... with shades of grey.

I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? I dig it!
~Jeremy Gray

When you know what you want, you know what you want.
~Secretary Cleary

Jeremy: Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that I'm...
John: I'm hanging by a thread. 
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. 
I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: Would mean a lot to me if you came.
You better get your ass for that wedding.

John: You met her at a funeral.
Chaz: Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
It's like fishing with dynamite.
John: Horny?
Chaz: Yeah, crazy horny.
John: I just... at a funeral?
Chaz: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.

John: All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.
But I've never gotten that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes, for longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good. I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile... 
Claire: And pathetic.
John: Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.
But you know what? It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place that was really me.
Maybe not my name. I'm John Beckwith, by the way, or my job.
But the feelings we felt, the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
I've changed. I've realized something.
I crash a funeral earlier, and I...
And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost a person she loves the most in this world.
And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is. But not me, not right now.
Because the person I love the most is standing right here, and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
I'm just asking you, not to marry him. [addressing Sack]
And maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Sack: Wow! This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?
Claire: I'm sorry.
I am.
Sack: What?
Claire: I can't marry you.
Sack: Secretary, your daughter's a little...
Mr. Secretary: Sack, I've always liked you, so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters,
and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
I stand by my daughter.



*****

MARLEY & ME [2008]

Heel the Love

A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. 

A water log stick will do just fine. 

A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. 

Give him your heart and he'll give you his. 

How many people can you say that about? 

How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? 

How many people can make you feel extraordinary? 

~John Grogan

You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, 

don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute, 

because you know, we couldn't find a better dog. 

I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog. 

I love you.  

~John Grogan, to Marley

Woke up to a kiss from Marley. Went for a walk that turned into a run. 

Took an airboat ride. 

Wrote a column about the death of the ever glades. 

Planted an orange tree in the backyard. 

Threw sticks for Marley in the park. 

Watched him swim in the bay. Watched him steal some guys Frisbee. 

Bought a new Frisbee for the guy. 

Gave Marley a bath. 

Went to work with writers block. Hoping for inspiration strike. Nada. 

Got a new shirt. Got a new keyboard. Got the same old paycheck. 

Went wind surfing with Sebastian. 

Met his new girlfriend Sasha. Met his other new girlfriend Angie. 

Watched models posing in the surf. Wrote a column about the growth of south beach. 

Interviewed Gloria and Emilio Estefan at the Cardoso hotel. 

Introduced them to Jenny who gushed like a teenager. 

Went shopping at the mall. Bought a Sharper Image pillow. Slept like a baby. 

Caught Marley eating the pillow. Hide the evidence from Jen. 

Cleaned Marley's vomit in the kitchen. 

Helped Jenny make dinner. Over cooked the Spaghetti. Got into a food fight. 

Proof-read Jenny's column. Read Sebastian last opus. 

Went running with Marley to burn off frustration. 

Didn't see him chew through the leech. Chased him 15 blocks. 

Called Jenny for a ride. 

Wrote a column about gas prices. Wrote a column about water prices. 

Found one tiny orange on our tree. Jenny very pleased with herself. 

Found my first gray hair. Found Jenny's first gray hair. 

Bought Jenny flowers. 

Rescued our new mail man from Marley. Rescued the UPS guy from Marley. 

Invited my parents to visit. 

Took them out to dinner at a cool place on south beach. 

Got into a fight with Dad over the check. Got into a fight with Dad about money. 

Got into a fight with Jenny about all the fighting. 

Drove my parents to the airport. 

Listen to them complain about not having grandchildren. 

Tracked a hurricane heading for south Florida. 

Hid in the bathroom from the hurricane. Sat in the dark for 3 days. 

Wrote a column about looters. Wrote a column about volunteers. 

Wrote a column about the beauty of air conditioning. 

Watched Marley dig for buried treasure. 

Spent Christmas with Jens sister with her family in Orlando. 

Left Marley at their house to go to Disney world. Had to buy them new baby furniture. 

Saw Jen light up around the little girls. 

Got a flat riding home. 

Wrote a column about state troopers. Wrote a column about toll booths. 

Went to dinner to celebrate Jenny's raise. 

Tied Marley to a table. Chased Marley and the table. Caught the table. 

Wrote a column about Marley pulling the table. 

Tried to write a column about anything but Marley. Nada. 

Picked Oranges from our tree. Made Orange Juice. 

Drove down to Miami for Bark-in-the-Park night at the Marlins game. 

Turned out Marley was a real baseball fan. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the stands. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the field. 

Wrote a column about the ball game. 

Took crap from Sebastian about it. 

Met his new girlfriend, can't remember her name. 

Went snorkeling with them. Cut my leg on a piece of coral. 

Went to the emergency room. 

Wrote a column about hospitals. 

Went to a Easter egg hunt at Jenny's boss's house in Boca. Drank mimosas. 

Met a doctor that does 3 lipo suctions a day. 

Wrote a column about nannies in Boca. Wrote a column about the women in Boca. 

Wrote a column about writing columns. 

Came home to find Jenny dancing with Marley. 

Trying to think of reasons not to have a baby now. Nada. 

~John Grogan

There were 11 thunderstorms while you were gone, 11! 

You were right, he doesn't like them and just so... 

You know, I am a dog person but that is not a dog, 

that is evil with a dog face that humps my leg and is peeing on your carpet.  

~Debby

Jennifer: You're part of the plan.

John: Oh yeah? 

Jennifer: My plan... Step 1, meet an incredibly sweet, smart, sexy man. 

John: Done. Step 2? 

Jennifer: Marry you instead.

Arnie Klein: There's gonna come a time very soon, 

when her ankles are gonna swell up, she's gonna have blotches all over her face, 

she'll be forty pounds overweight, she'll be throwing up all the time, 

she's gonna look at you and she'll say "You bastard! You did this to me!" 

John: What happened to the glow, you know the... 

Arnie Klein: There's no glow.

Coleen: I made a picture of me and Marley, Mommy wrote what I said. 

Dear Marley I'll never forget you forever and there's kisses and hugs.

John: That's pretty, why don't you put it there [on the blanket covering Marley]

Connor: Dear Marley, I love you more than anything in the whole world. 

I hope you like heaven and have lots of things to chew on. 

Your brother, Connor Richard Grogan.

John: That's a good one. 

Jennifer: Patrick do you want to say something?

Patrick: No.

Jennifer: I want to give him something, 

[takes off her necklace, to John] your Dad gave me this to celebrate the beginning of our family, but our family had already begun. 

[to Marley] Goodbye clearance dog. 

*****

MEET THE PARENTS [2000]

First Comes Love

Then Comes The Interrogation

I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, 
I will bring you down, baby. 

I will bring you down to Chinatown. 

[Jack Byrnes]

[Pam Byrnes]: I had no idea you could milk a cat!

[Greg Focker]: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples. 

[Jack Byrnes]: I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me? 

[Late Night Courier]: Gaylord M. Focker? 

[Greg Focker]: That's me. 

[Jack Byrnes]: I thought your name was Greg.

[Greg Focker]: It is.

[Late Night Courier]: That's not what it says here.

[Greg Focker]: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade. 

[Dennis Byrnes]: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker? 

I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. 

But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. 

This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. 

I think you've got some serious issues. 

[Greg Focker]

[Jack Byrnes]: If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?

[Greg Focker]: Yes.

[Jack Byrnes]: Would you be honest and faithful to her? 

[Greg Focker]: Yes. 

[Jack Byrnes]: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life? 

[Greg Focker]: Of course.

[Jack Byrnes]: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

*****