ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MINE [2004]

 I Already Forget How I Used To Feel About You

Random thoughts for Valentine's Day, 2004.

Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.

~Joel Barish

The first thing we need you to do, Mr. Barish, 

is to go home and collect everything you own that has some association with Clementine.

Anything.

And we'll use these items to create a map of Clementine in your brain, okay?

So, we'll need photos, clothing, gifts, books she may have bought you,

CDs you may have bought together, journal entries.

We want to empty your home, we want to empty your life of Clementine.

And after the mapping is done, our technicians will do the erasing in your home tonight.

That way, when you awake in the morning, 

you'll find yourself in your own bed as if nothing had happened,

a new life awaiting you.

~Dr. Mierzwiak

Look at it out here, it's all falling apart!

I'm erasing you, and I'm happy.

You did it to me first!

I can't believe you did this to me.

Clem, can you hear me?

By morning you'll be gone.

The perfect ending to this piece-of-shit story!

~Joel Barish

You don't tell me things, Joel.

I'm an open book, I tell you everything.

You don't trust me.

~Clementine Kruczynski

Am I ugly?

When I was a kid, I thought I was.

Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid.

Like you don't matter.

So, I'm 8, and I have these toys, these dolls.

My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine.

And I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!"

It's weird.

Like if I can transform her, I would magically change too.

~Clementine Kruczynski

 Hide me somewhere deeper, somewhere really buried.

Hide me in your humiliation.

~Clementine Kruczynski

Clementine: Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again.

I guess I thought you were humiliated.

You did run away, after all.

Joel: I just needed to see you.

I'd like to take you out or something.

Clementine: You're married.

Joel: Not yet. Not married. No, I'm not married.

Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance,

so I'm not gonna tiptoe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got going there.

If you wanna be with me, you're with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them,

or I'm gonna make them alive.

But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.

Don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

I still thought you were gonna save my life, even after that.

It would be different if we could just give it another go around.

Remember me. Try your best.

Clementine: Maybe we can.

Clementine: This is it, Joel, it's gonna be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

Joel: I've gotta catch my ride.

Clementine: So go.

Joel: I did.

I thought maybe you were a nut, but you were exciting.

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.

Joel: I wish I'd stayed too. Now I wish I'd stayed.

I wish I'd done a lot of things.

Oh, God, I wish I had... I wish I'd stayed. I do.

Clementine: Well, I came back downstairs and you were gone.

Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door.

Clementine: Why?

Joel: I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid. I was like...

It was above my head, I don't know.

Clementine: You were scared?

Joel: Yeah. Thought you knew that about me.

I ran back to the bonfire trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.

Clementine: Was it something I said?

Joel: Yeah. You said, "So go"... with such disdain, you know.

Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.

Joel: It's okay.

Clementine: Joely, what if you stayed this time?

Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.

Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least.

Let's pretend we have one.

Bye, Joel.

Joel: I love you.

Clementine, whispering: Meet me in Mantouk.

Clementine: I'm not a concept, Joel.

I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.

I'm not perfect.

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will.

Joel: Right now I can't.

Clementine: But you will. You will think of things,

and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.

*****

THE NUMBER 23 [2007]

The Truth Will Find You

Chapter 23. 

You can call me Fingerling. 

My real name is Walter. Walter Paul Sparrow. 

What you've read so far is not the whole truth. 

Much has been changed to protect the innocent... and the guilty. 

I once read that the only philosophical question that matters is whether or not to commit suicide. 

I guess that makes me a philosopher. 

You can say it was my inheritance. 

After my mother's death, my father couldn't cope. 

He didn't leave a note... just a number. 

That number followed me from foster home to foster home till college when I met her: Laura Tollins. 

I thought she'd help me forget my father's number. 

It was a mistake to think I could escape it. 

I loved her. 

And I thought she loved me. 

Until my father's number returned to haunt me. 

That fucking number... 

When I circled every 23rd letter of her note... it became clear. 

The number had gone after me. 

And now it wanted her. 

I was right. 

She was in danger. 

I just didn't realize the danger was me. 

What began as a suicide note, turned into something more. 

Much, much more.

[Walter Sparrow]

I'd like two words on my tombstone: what if.

[Walter Sparrow]

I am in prison for a crime I didn't commit, Mr. Sparrow. 

But somehow I think your problems are bigger than mine. 

[Kyle Flinch]

To die there in the street would have been easy. 

But it wouldn't have been justice, at least not the justice fathers teach their sons about. 

 I'll be sentenced in a week or so. 

My lawyer says the judge will look kindly upon me for turning myself in. 

Maybe it's not the happiest of endings, but it's the right one. 

Some day I'll be up for parole, and we can go on living our lives. 

It's only a matter of time. 

Of course, time is just a counting system - 

numbers with meaning attached to them - isn't it?

[Walter Sparrow]

Be sure your sin will find you out. - Numbers 32:23 

*****

BRUCE ALMIGHTY [2003]

In Bruce We Trust?

God, why do you hate me?

~Bruce Nolan

 B-E-A-utiful!

~Bruce Nolan

 Bruce: I'm pushing 40, and what have I got to show for it?

I've hit some kind of a ceiling here.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.

He gets the stories, he gets on sweeps.

Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Jack: You don't wanna be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Bruce: I can be an asshole.

Jack: No, Bruce, you can't.

I guess that how's life, isn't it?

Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat,

while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

Oh, well, no big deal!

~Bruce Nolan

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce: That I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me.

A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

I have no bird, I have no bush.

God has taken my bird and my bush.

Grace: So, God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?

Bruce: No, He's ignoring me completely.

He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.

He could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to, 

but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!

~Bruce Nolan

News flash! I'm not okay!

I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment!

I'M NOT OKAY WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!

~Bruce Nolan

You're the one who should be fired!

The only one around here not doing his job is You!

ANSWER ME!!!

~Bruce Nolan

Denied that promotion at work?

Is life unfair?

Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?

Is your name Bruce?

Then do we have the job for you.

We're located at 77256 23rd Street.

So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.

~Man on the phone

You always were funny, Bruce, just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son.
People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor.
There's freedom in it.
Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
~God

Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one.
Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.
Bruce, I'm God.

God: I brought you here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job.
You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.

Here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are only 2 rules.
You can't tell anybody you're God.
Believe me, you don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with free will.
~God

God: You've had my powers for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
Bruce: I took care of a few things.
I righted a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I could help the world.
God: The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth.
I didn't want to start you off with more than you can handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to it.

Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
God: Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.

Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.
~God

God: It's a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce: There were so many, I just gave them all what they wanted.
God: Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

You know what I do every night before I go to bed?
I tuck my kids in, maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
~Debbie, to Bruce

Bruce, as God handed him prayer beads: What do you want me to do?
God: I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead, use them.
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry.
And bring peace to... all of mankind.
How's that?
God: Great. If you wanna be Miss America.
Now, come on, what do you really care about?
Bruce: Grace...
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No.
I want her to be happy, no matter what that means.
I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now through your eyes.
God: Now that's a prayer.

Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
~Bruce Nolan


*****

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS [2000]

You Better Watch Out!

 Inside a snowflake like the one on your sleeve, 
there happened a story you must see to believe. 

[Narrator]

[Narrator]: The Whos young and old would sit down to a feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast. 

[The Grinch]: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. 

They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. 

But that's something I just cannot stand in the least. 

Oh, no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME! 

Those Whos are hard to frazzle, Max. 

But, we did our worst, and that's all that matters. 

[The Grinch]

Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful and triumphant.  

[The Grinch]

It's because I'm green isn't it? 

[The Grinch, when a taxicab passes him by]

I'm glad he took our presents. 

You can't hurt Christmas, Mr. Mayor, beacuse it isn't about the... the gifts or the contest or the fancy lights. 

That's what Cindy's been trying to tell everyone... and me. 

I don't need anything more for Christmas than this right here: my family. 

[Lou Lou Who] 

[Cindy Lou Who]: Santa? 

[The Grinch]: WHAT? 

[Cindy Lou Who]: Don't forget the Grinch. 

I know he's mean and hairy and smelly. 

His hands might be cold and clammy, but I think he's actually kinda... sweet. 

[The Grinch]: SWEET? You think he's sweet?

[Cindy Lou Who, nods]: Merry Christmas, Santa. [go upstairs]

[The Grinch]: Nice kid... baaad judge of character. 

*****