MARLEY & ME [2008]

Heel the Love

A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. 

A water log stick will do just fine. 

A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. 

Give him your heart and he'll give you his. 

How many people can you say that about? 

How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? 

How many people can make you feel extraordinary? 

~John Grogan

You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, 

don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute, 

because you know, we couldn't find a better dog. 

I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog. 

I love you.  

~John Grogan, to Marley

Woke up to a kiss from Marley. Went for a walk that turned into a run. 

Took an airboat ride. 

Wrote a column about the death of the ever glades. 

Planted an orange tree in the backyard. 

Threw sticks for Marley in the park. 

Watched him swim in the bay. Watched him steal some guys Frisbee. 

Bought a new Frisbee for the guy. 

Gave Marley a bath. 

Went to work with writers block. Hoping for inspiration strike. Nada. 

Got a new shirt. Got a new keyboard. Got the same old paycheck. 

Went wind surfing with Sebastian. 

Met his new girlfriend Sasha. Met his other new girlfriend Angie. 

Watched models posing in the surf. Wrote a column about the growth of south beach. 

Interviewed Gloria and Emilio Estefan at the Cardoso hotel. 

Introduced them to Jenny who gushed like a teenager. 

Went shopping at the mall. Bought a Sharper Image pillow. Slept like a baby. 

Caught Marley eating the pillow. Hide the evidence from Jen. 

Cleaned Marley's vomit in the kitchen. 

Helped Jenny make dinner. Over cooked the Spaghetti. Got into a food fight. 

Proof-read Jenny's column. Read Sebastian last opus. 

Went running with Marley to burn off frustration. 

Didn't see him chew through the leech. Chased him 15 blocks. 

Called Jenny for a ride. 

Wrote a column about gas prices. Wrote a column about water prices. 

Found one tiny orange on our tree. Jenny very pleased with herself. 

Found my first gray hair. Found Jenny's first gray hair. 

Bought Jenny flowers. 

Rescued our new mail man from Marley. Rescued the UPS guy from Marley. 

Invited my parents to visit. 

Took them out to dinner at a cool place on south beach. 

Got into a fight with Dad over the check. Got into a fight with Dad about money. 

Got into a fight with Jenny about all the fighting. 

Drove my parents to the airport. 

Listen to them complain about not having grandchildren. 

Tracked a hurricane heading for south Florida. 

Hid in the bathroom from the hurricane. Sat in the dark for 3 days. 

Wrote a column about looters. Wrote a column about volunteers. 

Wrote a column about the beauty of air conditioning. 

Watched Marley dig for buried treasure. 

Spent Christmas with Jens sister with her family in Orlando. 

Left Marley at their house to go to Disney world. Had to buy them new baby furniture. 

Saw Jen light up around the little girls. 

Got a flat riding home. 

Wrote a column about state troopers. Wrote a column about toll booths. 

Went to dinner to celebrate Jenny's raise. 

Tied Marley to a table. Chased Marley and the table. Caught the table. 

Wrote a column about Marley pulling the table. 

Tried to write a column about anything but Marley. Nada. 

Picked Oranges from our tree. Made Orange Juice. 

Drove down to Miami for Bark-in-the-Park night at the Marlins game. 

Turned out Marley was a real baseball fan. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the stands. 

Tried to stop him from chasing a foul ball in the field. 

Wrote a column about the ball game. 

Took crap from Sebastian about it. 

Met his new girlfriend, can't remember her name. 

Went snorkeling with them. Cut my leg on a piece of coral. 

Went to the emergency room. 

Wrote a column about hospitals. 

Went to a Easter egg hunt at Jenny's boss's house in Boca. Drank mimosas. 

Met a doctor that does 3 lipo suctions a day. 

Wrote a column about nannies in Boca. Wrote a column about the women in Boca. 

Wrote a column about writing columns. 

Came home to find Jenny dancing with Marley. 

Trying to think of reasons not to have a baby now. Nada. 

~John Grogan

There were 11 thunderstorms while you were gone, 11! 

You were right, he doesn't like them and just so... 

You know, I am a dog person but that is not a dog, 

that is evil with a dog face that humps my leg and is peeing on your carpet.  

~Debby

Jennifer: You're part of the plan.

John: Oh yeah? 

Jennifer: My plan... Step 1, meet an incredibly sweet, smart, sexy man. 

John: Done. Step 2? 

Jennifer: Marry you instead.

Arnie Klein: There's gonna come a time very soon, 

when her ankles are gonna swell up, she's gonna have blotches all over her face, 

she'll be forty pounds overweight, she'll be throwing up all the time, 

she's gonna look at you and she'll say "You bastard! You did this to me!" 

John: What happened to the glow, you know the... 

Arnie Klein: There's no glow.

Coleen: I made a picture of me and Marley, Mommy wrote what I said. 

Dear Marley I'll never forget you forever and there's kisses and hugs.

John: That's pretty, why don't you put it there [on the blanket covering Marley]

Connor: Dear Marley, I love you more than anything in the whole world. 

I hope you like heaven and have lots of things to chew on. 

Your brother, Connor Richard Grogan.

John: That's a good one. 

Jennifer: Patrick do you want to say something?

Patrick: No.

Jennifer: I want to give him something, 

[takes off her necklace, to John] your Dad gave me this to celebrate the beginning of our family, but our family had already begun. 

[to Marley] Goodbye clearance dog. 

*****

ALONG CAME POLLY [2004]

For The Most Cautious Man On Earth, 

Life Is About To Get Interesting

I know that I have a .013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home. 

Or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. 

So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger 

and having a plan and knowing what my next move is. 

And I guess you don't exactly live your life that way. 

Yeah... which is great, but I'm not gonna ever be a dirty dancer, 

and I don't eat food with my hands, 

and I really like you, 

but I just don't think this is gonna work out.  

[Reuben Feffer]

Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarassed, 

and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. 

But I could not have gone through that, 

I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.  

[Reuben Feffer]

I've been living my life, okay? 

I've been in good relationships and I've been in shitty ones... 

and I've moved alot... 

and I've been happy, and I've been sad... 

and I've been lonely... 

and that is what I've been doing. 

Which is a lot more then I can say for some freak, 

who thinks he's gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts. 

[Polly Prince]

[Reuben Feffer]: No Lisa, I'm not going to take you back 

[Lisa Kramer]: What, why? 

[Reuben Feffer]: Well, you screwed a SCUBA instructor on our honeymoon. 

What kinda cold-hearted bitch will do that to someone they love. 

I have to be an idiot to take you back.

Oh and by the way, I threw away all your little throw pillows. 

Yea. Cuz throw pillows suck. 

They serve no purpose. 

They're purely decorative.  

[Reuben to Lisa]

*****

BRUCE ALMIGHTY [2003]

In Bruce We Trust?

God, why do you hate me?

~Bruce Nolan

 B-E-A-utiful!

~Bruce Nolan

 Bruce: I'm pushing 40, and what have I got to show for it?

I've hit some kind of a ceiling here.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.

He gets the stories, he gets on sweeps.

Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Jack: You don't wanna be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.

Bruce: I can be an asshole.

Jack: No, Bruce, you can't.

I guess that how's life, isn't it?

Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat,

while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

Oh, well, no big deal!

~Bruce Nolan

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce: That I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me.

A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

I have no bird, I have no bush.

God has taken my bird and my bush.

Grace: So, God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?

Bruce: No, He's ignoring me completely.

He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.

He could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to, 

but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!

~Bruce Nolan

News flash! I'm not okay!

I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment!

I'M NOT OKAY WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!

~Bruce Nolan

You're the one who should be fired!

The only one around here not doing his job is You!

ANSWER ME!!!

~Bruce Nolan

Denied that promotion at work?

Is life unfair?

Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?

Is your name Bruce?

Then do we have the job for you.

We're located at 77256 23rd Street.

So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.

~Man on the phone

You always were funny, Bruce, just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son.
People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor.
There's freedom in it.
Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
~God

Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one.
Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.
Bruce, I'm God.

God: I brought you here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job.
You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.

Here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are only 2 rules.
You can't tell anybody you're God.
Believe me, you don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with free will.
~God

God: You've had my powers for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
Bruce: I took care of a few things.
I righted a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I could help the world.
God: The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth.
I didn't want to start you off with more than you can handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to it.

Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
God: Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.

Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.
~God

God: It's a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce: There were so many, I just gave them all what they wanted.
God: Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

You know what I do every night before I go to bed?
I tuck my kids in, maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
~Debbie, to Bruce

Bruce, as God handed him prayer beads: What do you want me to do?
God: I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead, use them.
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry.
And bring peace to... all of mankind.
How's that?
God: Great. If you wanna be Miss America.
Now, come on, what do you really care about?
Bruce: Grace...
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No.
I want her to be happy, no matter what that means.
I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now through your eyes.
God: Now that's a prayer.

Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
~Bruce Nolan


*****