WEDDING CRASHERS [2005]

Life's a Party
Crash It 

 Jeremy: Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic, it's crazy!

Hey, don't do this for the other person. 

It's about saying yes to yourself and saying yes to your future.

And have some opportunities for yourself.

I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,

grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And how about you?

Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John: God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy: Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand,

needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy: Get out and get some strange ass.

John: You don't think we're being, I don't want to say sleazy cause that's not the right word,

but a little irresponsible, maybe?

Jeremy: No! One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh, say we were young and stupid.

A couple of dumb kids running around.

John: We're not that young.

Jeremy: How many times are you gonna do this shit?
Rule #32, you don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
John: Rule 16, give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy: Rule #76, no excuses, play like a champion.

Claire: They're all full of shit.
John: What?
Claire: Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just suckling at the power teat.
John: No, no, come on, they're here because they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, cause they wanna believe in true love.
Claire: What's true love?
John: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire: It's a little cheesy, but, I like it.


 

Someone once told me that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
~Claire Cleary

Rule #1, never leave a fellow crasher behind.
~John Beckwith

John: You can't marry this guy.
Claire: Why?
John: Because I've fallen for you.

Sack: They're not who they say they are, Claire.
Those aren't even their real names.
Claire: What?
Sack: Everything he told you is a lie.
Claire: I don't understand what you're saying.
Sack: Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
All of it is a lie.
Claire, to John: Is that true?
John: Well, no, it's not entirely.
Claire: No, it's a yes or no question.
John: I know, but it's complicated.
Claire: Yes or no?
John, sigh: Yes... with shades of grey.

I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? I dig it!
~Jeremy Gray

When you know what you want, you know what you want.
~Secretary Cleary

Jeremy: Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that I'm...
John: I'm hanging by a thread. 
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. 
I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: Would mean a lot to me if you came.
You better get your ass for that wedding.

John: You met her at a funeral.
Chaz: Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
It's like fishing with dynamite.
John: Horny?
Chaz: Yeah, crazy horny.
John: I just... at a funeral?
Chaz: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.

John: All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.
But I've never gotten that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes, for longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good. I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile... 
Claire: And pathetic.
John: Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.
But you know what? It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place that was really me.
Maybe not my name. I'm John Beckwith, by the way, or my job.
But the feelings we felt, the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.
I've changed. I've realized something.
I crash a funeral earlier, and I...
And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost a person she loves the most in this world.
And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is. But not me, not right now.
Because the person I love the most is standing right here, and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
I'm just asking you, not to marry him. [addressing Sack]
And maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Sack: Wow! This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?
Claire: I'm sorry.
I am.
Sack: What?
Claire: I can't marry you.
Sack: Secretary, your daughter's a little...
Mr. Secretary: Sack, I've always liked you, so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters,
and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
I stand by my daughter.



*****

Mr. & Mrs. SMITH [2005]

John: Let me say, we don't really need to be here.
We've been married 5 years.
Jane: Six.
John: 5, 6 years. And this is like a check-up for us.
Chance to poke around the engine, maybe change the oil. Replace a seal or two.
Marriage Councelor: Very well, then, let's pop the hood.
On a scale of one to ten, how happy a couple are you?
John: 8. Wait, 10 being perfectly happy and one being totally miserable, or...
Marriage Councelor: Just respond instinctively.
John: Okay. 8.
Marriage Councelor: How often do you have sex?
Jane: I don't understand the question.
John: Yeah, I'm lost. Is this a one to ten thing?
Jane: Because, like, one very little or is one nothing?
Because, you know, technically speaking, the zero would be nothing.
Marriage Councelor: How about this week?
John: Including the weekend?
Marriage Councelor: Sure.
...
Marriage Councelor: Describe how you first met.
Jane: It was in Colombia.
John: Bogota. 5 years ago.
Jane: 6.
John: Right. 5 or 6 years ago.

I love my wife.
I want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times... [grunts]
~John Smith

Jane: There's this huge space between us.
And it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other.
What is that called?
Marriage Councelor: Marriage.

John: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: Yes, and you know what, Gladys tried to kill me. Not with a car.
At least Jane was a man about it.
But they all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, crippingly.
And then, wham! They hurt you.
You know how hurt I used to be? I used to beat myself up.
Now I'm great.

Okay, here's the upside. You don't love him.
You'll kill him, and nobody's better at that than you are.
And then it'll be over.
~Jasmine

Look at it, it's like 150 pages of a book have been written.
In the first 150 pages, Johnny's been a clown.
You can write the last 10 pages.
You've been smoked, but you can write the last 10.
~Eddie

 John: Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Eddie: She's not your wife, she's the enemy!
She could be outside right now!

 It's never gonna work, honey, because you constantly underestimate me.
 You have no idea who I am.
You have no idea what I'm capable of. 
~John Smith

 Jane: So what do you want, John?
 John: We have an unusual problem, Jane.
You obviously want me dead.
And I'm less and less concerned of your wellbeing.
So what do we do?
 Do we shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
  Jane: Well, that would be a shame, because they'd probably ask me to leave once you're dead.

  John: You killed us.
 Jane: Provocative.
John: You approached our marriage like a job, to be reconned, planned and executed.
 Jane: And you avoided it.
 John: What do you care, if I was just a cover?
Jane: Who said you were just a cover?
 John: Wasn't I?
Jane: Wasn't I?

 John: First time we met, what was your first thought?
 Jane: You tell me.
John: I thought you looked like Christmas morning. 
I don't know how else to say it. 
Jane: And why are you telling me this now?
 John: Guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning.
 So there it is, I thought you should know.
 So how about it, Jane?
 Jane: I thought that you were the most beautiful mark I'd ever seen.
 John: So it was all business, yeah?
Jane: All business. 
John: From the go.
Jane: Cold, hard math. 
John: Thank you. That's what I needed to know. 

If you two separate from each other, you got a shot.
Not a great shot, Johnny, but a shot.
 You two stay together, you're dead.
Unless you can find something they want more than they want you.
~Eddie

John: Tell me, how many?
 Jane: Does it matter?
 John: Should I go first?
I don't exactly keep count but, I would say, high 50's, low 60's.
I've been around the block, but the important thing is...
 Jane: 312.
John: 312? How?
Jane: Some were 2 at a time. 

 John: Jane, there's no air around you any more.
Jane: What is that supposed to mean?
 John: It means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity.
 Who can answer to that?
Jane: Well, you don't have to. This isn't even a real marriage.

 Jane: Let's just call this what it is. And what it isn't.
John: All right, so it's a crap marriage.
All right, I'm a mess, you're a disaster.
We're both liars. 
But you run, you'll always be running. 
I say we stay and fight. We finish this thing.
Then if you want to go, you can go. 

John: Damn, that boat in La Paz is looking pretty good right now, isn't it?
 Jane: It rains a lot this time of year.
 There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here, with you.

 Marriage Councelor: I'm interested in the progress you've made in the last few weeks.
 John: Doin' all right, aren't we?
I'm not gonna lie to you, there were times when I wanted to kill her, but...
Jane: Likewise. 
John: Couldn't take the shot.
Marriage Councelor: That's a good sign. Sometimes you have to battle through.
Jane: That's marriage, right?
 John: Yeah. Take your best shot and... 
Jane: Oh, we redid the house.
John: We did. Yes, we did. 
Marriage Councelor: You know there will always be challenges? Threats out there?
 But you can handle it together.
John: So far.
Jane: So far? [chuckles] What is that?
John: I'm leaving room for the unknown.
Jane: So far.
 Marriage Councelor: And do you feel your relationship styles are more conducive to this...
John: Ask us the sex question. [by his gesture] 10.



*****