Mr. & Mrs. SMITH [2005]

John: Let me say, we don't really need to be here.
We've been married 5 years.
Jane: Six.
John: 5, 6 years. And this is like a check-up for us.
Chance to poke around the engine, maybe change the oil. Replace a seal or two.
Marriage Councelor: Very well, then, let's pop the hood.
On a scale of one to ten, how happy a couple are you?
John: 8. Wait, 10 being perfectly happy and one being totally miserable, or...
Marriage Councelor: Just respond instinctively.
John: Okay. 8.
Marriage Councelor: How often do you have sex?
Jane: I don't understand the question.
John: Yeah, I'm lost. Is this a one to ten thing?
Jane: Because, like, one very little or is one nothing?
Because, you know, technically speaking, the zero would be nothing.
Marriage Councelor: How about this week?
John: Including the weekend?
Marriage Councelor: Sure.
...
Marriage Councelor: Describe how you first met.
Jane: It was in Colombia.
John: Bogota. 5 years ago.
Jane: 6.
John: Right. 5 or 6 years ago.

I love my wife.
I want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times... [grunts]
~John Smith

Jane: There's this huge space between us.
And it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other.
What is that called?
Marriage Councelor: Marriage.

John: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: Yes, and you know what, Gladys tried to kill me. Not with a car.
At least Jane was a man about it.
But they all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, crippingly.
And then, wham! They hurt you.
You know how hurt I used to be? I used to beat myself up.
Now I'm great.

Okay, here's the upside. You don't love him.
You'll kill him, and nobody's better at that than you are.
And then it'll be over.
~Jasmine

Look at it, it's like 150 pages of a book have been written.
In the first 150 pages, Johnny's been a clown.
You can write the last 10 pages.
You've been smoked, but you can write the last 10.
~Eddie

 John: Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Eddie: She's not your wife, she's the enemy!
She could be outside right now!

 It's never gonna work, honey, because you constantly underestimate me.
 You have no idea who I am.
You have no idea what I'm capable of. 
~John Smith

 Jane: So what do you want, John?
 John: We have an unusual problem, Jane.
You obviously want me dead.
And I'm less and less concerned of your wellbeing.
So what do we do?
 Do we shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
  Jane: Well, that would be a shame, because they'd probably ask me to leave once you're dead.

  John: You killed us.
 Jane: Provocative.
John: You approached our marriage like a job, to be reconned, planned and executed.
 Jane: And you avoided it.
 John: What do you care, if I was just a cover?
Jane: Who said you were just a cover?
 John: Wasn't I?
Jane: Wasn't I?

 John: First time we met, what was your first thought?
 Jane: You tell me.
John: I thought you looked like Christmas morning. 
I don't know how else to say it. 
Jane: And why are you telling me this now?
 John: Guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning.
 So there it is, I thought you should know.
 So how about it, Jane?
 Jane: I thought that you were the most beautiful mark I'd ever seen.
 John: So it was all business, yeah?
Jane: All business. 
John: From the go.
Jane: Cold, hard math. 
John: Thank you. That's what I needed to know. 

If you two separate from each other, you got a shot.
Not a great shot, Johnny, but a shot.
 You two stay together, you're dead.
Unless you can find something they want more than they want you.
~Eddie

John: Tell me, how many?
 Jane: Does it matter?
 John: Should I go first?
I don't exactly keep count but, I would say, high 50's, low 60's.
I've been around the block, but the important thing is...
 Jane: 312.
John: 312? How?
Jane: Some were 2 at a time. 

 John: Jane, there's no air around you any more.
Jane: What is that supposed to mean?
 John: It means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity.
 Who can answer to that?
Jane: Well, you don't have to. This isn't even a real marriage.

 Jane: Let's just call this what it is. And what it isn't.
John: All right, so it's a crap marriage.
All right, I'm a mess, you're a disaster.
We're both liars. 
But you run, you'll always be running. 
I say we stay and fight. We finish this thing.
Then if you want to go, you can go. 

John: Damn, that boat in La Paz is looking pretty good right now, isn't it?
 Jane: It rains a lot this time of year.
 There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here, with you.

 Marriage Councelor: I'm interested in the progress you've made in the last few weeks.
 John: Doin' all right, aren't we?
I'm not gonna lie to you, there were times when I wanted to kill her, but...
Jane: Likewise. 
John: Couldn't take the shot.
Marriage Councelor: That's a good sign. Sometimes you have to battle through.
Jane: That's marriage, right?
 John: Yeah. Take your best shot and... 
Jane: Oh, we redid the house.
John: We did. Yes, we did. 
Marriage Councelor: You know there will always be challenges? Threats out there?
 But you can handle it together.
John: So far.
Jane: So far? [chuckles] What is that?
John: I'm leaving room for the unknown.
Jane: So far.
 Marriage Councelor: And do you feel your relationship styles are more conducive to this...
John: Ask us the sex question. [by his gesture] 10.



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