SHREK 2 [2004]

Once Upon Another Time...

The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? 
That's where we're going! 
FAR! FAR!... away.

[Shrek]

How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...

[Shrek]

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. 
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy 
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. 

[Donkey] 

I'm a stallion, baby!

[Donkey]

[looks over her bookshelf] 

 Let's see... 
P-p-p-p-p, Princess. 
Cinderella... Handsome prince, lived happily ever after... oh, no ogres! 
Sleeping Beauty... handsome prince, no ogres. 
Thumbelina, no! 
Hansel and Gretel, no! 
The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... no, no, no, no, NO! 
You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.

[Fairy Godmother]

[Princess Fiona]: You know, you are acting like a... a...

[Shrek]: Go on, say it. 

[Princess Fiona]: Like an ogre!

[Shrek]: Well, whether your parents like it or not, I am an ogre! 
And guess what, princess? That's not about to change. 

[Princess Fiona]: I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.

[Shrek]: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.

[Donkey]: Oh, man! Where do I begin? 
First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. 
I ain't never gotten over that. 
Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. 
Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling 'Piñata! Piñata!' 
What the hell is a piñata, anyway?

[Donkey]: What about my Miranda rights? 
You're supposed to say, 'You have the right to remain silent.' 
Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!

[Shrek]: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. 
What you lack is the capacity.

[Donkey, after drinking a beauty potion]: I don't FEEL any different. Do I look any different? 

[Puss-in-Boots]: You still look like an ass to me!

[Princess Fiona]: They just want to give us their blessing.

[Shrek]: Oh, great! Now I need their blessing? 

[Princess Fiona]: Well, if you want to be part of this family, yes.

[Shrek]: Who said I want to be part of this family?

[Princess Fiona]: Uh... you did? When you married me?

[King]: Who on earth are they?

[Queen]: I think that's our little girl! 

[King]: That's not little - that's a really big problem!

[Queen]: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...

[Shrek]: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!

[Princess Fiona]: Hey, they're my parents!

[Shrek]: Hello, they locked you in a tower!

[Princess Fiona]: Hey, that was for my own... 

[King]: Good! Now here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.

[Queen]: Harold! We have to be...

[Shrek]: Quick, while they're not looking, we'll make a run for it!

[Princess Fiona]: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be... 

[King]: A disaster! There's no way...

[Princess Fiona]: You can do this. 

[Shrek]: But I really...

[King]: Really... 

[Queen]: Really...

[Shrek]: Don't... 

[Princess Fiona]: Want...

[Queen]: To... 

[Shrek]: Be...

[King]: He-ere.

[Queen]: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live. 

[Princess Fiona]: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Right, honey?

[Shrek]: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...

[Donkey]: What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. 

[Shrek]: Donkey...

[King]: An ogre from a swamp. How original. 

[Queen]: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.

[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon] 

[Shrek]: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

[King]: Indeed! I had just started eating.

[King]: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...

[Shrek]: Ogres! Yes! 

[Queen]: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

[King]: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young.

[Princess Fiona]: Dad!

[Shrek]: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower.

[Princess Fiona]: Shrek, please!

[King]: I only did that because I love her! 

[Shrek]: Oh, yeah! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!

[King]: Darling? 
Ah, I thought I might find you here - how about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball...

[Princess Fiona]: I'm not going. 

[King]: B-b-but the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage!

[Princess Fiona]: There's just one problem - that's not my husband. I mean, look at him!

[they both watch Charming, showing off in front of everyone]

[King]: Yes, he is a bit different, but people do change for the ones they love - 
you'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother...

[Princess Fiona]: CHANGE? He's completely lost his mind! 

[King]: Darling, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance - 
I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek...

[Princess Fiona]: But it's the OLD one I fell in love with, Dad - 
I'd give anything to have him back... 

[King]: I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.

[Queen]: You are more that man now than you ever were, warts and all.

[Shrek]: Quick tell a lie! 

[Pinocchio]: What should I say?

[Donkey]: Say something crazy... like you're wearing ladies underwear. 

[Pinocchio]: Um, ok. I'm wearing ladies underwear. [silence]

[Shrek]: Are you? 

[Pinocchio]: I most certainly am not. [nose extends]

[Donkey]: It looks like you most certainly am are. 

[Pinocchio]: I am not. [nose extends]

[Puss-in-Boots]: What Kind?

[Gingerbread man]: IT'S A THONG!

[Fairy Godmother]: Your fallen tears have called to me / So here comes my sweet remedy / 
I know what every princess needs / For her to live life happily / 
With... just a wave of my magic wand / Your troubles will soon be gone / 
With a flick of the wrist in just a flash / You land a prince with a ton of cash / 
A high priced dress made by mice no less / Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed / 
Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse / Confide in your very own furniture friends / 
We'll help you set a new fashion trend / I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great / 
The kind of gal a prince would date / They'll write your name on the bathroom wall...

 [Bookcase]: For happy ever after, give Fiona a call! 

[Fairy Godmother]: A sporty carriage to ride in style / A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle / 
Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay / Celulite thighs will fade away / 
And oh, what the hey? / Have a Bichon Frise / 
Nip and tuck here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair / 
Lipstick liners, shadow blush / To get that prince with a sexy tush / 
Lucky day, hunk buffet / For the lipstick a roll in the hay / 
You can spoon on the moon / With the prince to this tune / 
Don't be drab, you'll be fab / Your prince will have rock-hard abs / 
Cheese souflee Valentine's Day? / Have some chicken fricassee...

[Prince Charming]: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, 
the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, 
and throughout the land everyone was happy, 
until the sun went down, 
and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. 
Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, 
who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, 
there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. 
It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, 
risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, 
for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, 
and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. 
He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, 
cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her [gasp] 

[Wolf]: What?

[Prince Charming]: Princess... Fiona?

[Wolf]: NO!

[Prince Charming]: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she? 

[Wolf]: She's on her honeymoon.

[Prince Charming]: Honeymoon? With whom? 

[Princess Fiona]: Is that glitter on your lips?

[Prince Charming]: Mmm, cherry flavored. Want a taste? 

*****