Can The Most Famous Film Star In The World Fall For Just An Ordinary Guy?
in a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together
before she left me for a man who looked exactly like Harrison Ford.
~William Thacker
Imagine.
Somewhere in the world there'a a man who's allowed to kiss her.
~Spike
Spike: Though if we're going for this obsessive writing down all the message thing,
some American girl called Anna called a few days ago.
William: What did she say?
Spike: Well, it was genuinely bizarre.
She said "Hi, its'a Anna." Then she said, "Call me at The Ritz."
and then gave herself a completely different name.
William: Which was?
Spike: Absolutely no idea.
Remembering one name's hard enough.
[interview scene]
William: The film's great,and... I just was wondering whether you ever thought of having...
more... horses in it.
[PR Chief clears his throat]
Anna: Well, we would have liked to, but it was... difficult, obviously, being set in space.
William: Space, right, yeah. Obviously very difficult.
[PR Chief walk out from the room]
William: I'm so sorry. I arrived outside, they thrust this thing into my hand...
Anna: No, it's my fault. I thought this would all be over by now.
I just wanted to sort of apologize for the kissing thing.
I seriously don't know what came over me.
And I just wanted to make sure that you were fine about it.
William: Yeah, yeah, absolutely fine.
[PR Chief enter the room again]
PR Chief: Do remember that Miss Scott is also keen to talk about her next project
which is shooting later in the summer.
William: Ah, yes, excellent, excellent.
Any horses in that one?
Or hounds for that matter.
Our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
Anna: It takes place on a submarine.
William: Oh, well, bad luck.
But, if there were horses in it, would you be riding them
or would you be getting a stunt-horse-double-man-thing?
[PR Chief sighs and walk out from the room]
William: I'm a complete moron. I apologize.
This is very weird.
It's the sort thing that happens in dreams, not in real life.
I mean, good dreams.
It's a dream, in fact, to see you again.
Anna: What happens next in the dream?
William: I suppose in the dream... dream scenario... I just change my personality
because you can do that in dreams and walk over and... kiss the girl.
[William about to kiss Anna when PR Chief came again to the room]
PR Chief: Time's up, I'm afraid.
Did you get what you wanted?
William: Um... nearly, nearly.
PR Chief: Well, maybe just one last question.
[The door closed]
William: Are you... busy tonight?
Anna: Yes.
William: Right, right...
Anna stands up: Well, it was nice to meet you.
William: Yes, and you.
Anna: Surreal... but nice.
William: Thank you.
You are Horse & Hounds' favorite actress.
[being push to interview the other cast of the movie]
William: So, is this your first film?
12-year-old actress: No, its my 22nd.
William: Of course it is. Any favorites among the 22?
12-year-old actress: Working with Leonardo.
William: Da Vinci?
12-year-old actress: DiCaprio.
William, chuckles: Of course.
And is... is he your favorite Italian director?
William: It's my sister's birthday, shit!
We're meant to be having dinner.
Anna: Okay, that's fine.
William: No. I'm sure I can get out of it.
Anna: No, I mean, if it's fine with you, I'll be your date.
William: You... You'll be my date to my little sister's birthday party?
Anna: If it's all right?
William: Yeah, I'm sure it's all right.
My friend Max is cooking,
and he is generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world.
But, you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.
Honey, entering the room: Hi guys. [she spot Anna] Oh, holy fuck!
William: Hon, this is Anna.
Anna, this is Honey, she's my baby sister.
Anna: Oh, hi.
Honey: Oh, God.
This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool
and I... I'm going to fail just a 100%.
I... I absolutely, totally and utterly adore you.
And I just think, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed some time now,
that we could be best friends.
So what do you think?
Anna: Lucky me.
Well, happy birthday. [handed her a gift]
Honey: Oh, you gave me present. We're best friends already then.
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Anna: Well, I'll think about it.
Max: I'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize to the saddest act here.
William: Bern.
Bernie: Yeah, all right, well, obviously it's me, isn't it?
I work in the city in a job I don't understand, and everyone keeps getting promoted above me.
I haven't had a girlfriend since... since puberty.
And... nobody fancies me.
And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.
Honey: Nonsense. I fancy you.
Bernie: Really?
Honey: Yeah, or I did before you got so fat.
Max: And unless I'm much mistaken your job still pays you rather a lot of money
whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week flogging her guts out in London's worst record store.
Honey: Yes! And I haven't got hair. I've got feathers.
And I've got funny goggly eyes.
And I'm attracted to cruel men.
And actually, no one will marry me because my boosies have actually started shrinking.
Max: It's incredibly sad.
Bella: But in the other hand, her best friend is Anna Scott.
Honey: That's true, I can't deny it. She needs me, what can I say?
[everybody laugh]
Bella: And most of her limbs work,
whereas I'm stuck in this thing day and night, in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult to serious injury, I've totally given up smoking, my favorite thing.
And, the truth is, we can't have a baby.
William: Oh, Bell...
Bella: C'est la vie.
Still, we're lucky in lots of ways.
But surely that's worth a brownie.
Max: Well, I don't know... Look at William.
Very unsuccessful professionally.
Bella: That's true.
Max: Divorced.
Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy round the edges.
And absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again once she's heard that his nickname at school was...
Bernie: Floppy.
William: You did. I can't believe it, you did.
Thanks very much, thank you.
Well, at least I get the last brownie.
Max: I think so, yes.
Anna: Well, wait. What about me?
Max: I'm sorry. You think you deserve the brownie?
Anna: A shot at it at least, huh?
William: You'll have to prove it.
This is a very, very good brownie. I'm gonna fight for it.
Anna: I've been on a diet every day since I was 19, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade.
I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me.
And every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment.
And... it's taken 2 rather painful operations to get me looking like this.
Honey: Really?
Anna: Really. [point to her chin and nose]
And one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act,
and I will become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like
someone who was famous for a while.
[they pause for a while]
Max: No, nice try, gorgeus, but you don't fool anyone.
Bernie: No!
William: Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
[Anna and William overheard men's talking at the restaurant]
Man I: You can give Anna Scott any day.
Man II: I didn't like her last film. fell asleep as soon as the lights went down.
Man III: I don't really care what the film's like.
Any film with her in, it's fine by me.
Man II: She's not my type at all. I prefer the other one.
You know, blonde, sweet-looking. You know... What's her name?
Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup of coffee.
Man III: Meg Ryan.
Man I: No, she's too wholesome.
Man III: The point about Miss Scott is, she's got that twinkle in her eyes.
Man II: Probably drug-induced. Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Man III: Well, whatever. She's so clearly up for it.
You see, most girls, they're all like, "Stay away, chum."
But Anna, she is absolutely gagging for it.
Do you know that in over 50% of the languages,
the word for 'actress' is the same as the word for 'prostitute'?
[men laughing]
Man I: Where did you get that from?
Man III: And Anna is your definitive actress,
someone really filthy you can just flip over and start again.
[William furious]
William: Right, that's it, sorry.
Anna: No, no, there's really no point.
[William approaching the men]William: Sorry to disturb you, guys. But hm...
Man III: Can I help?
William: Yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation, but I did.
I just think, you know... the person you're talking about is a real person.
And I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration
rather than having jerks like you drooling over her.
Man III: Oh, sod off, mate. What are you, her dad?
[Anna pull him off and they walk away]
William: I'm sorry.
Anna: No, I love that you tried.
Time was I'd have done the same thing.
In fact...
[she walks back to the men's table]
Anna: Hi...
Man III: Oh, my God.
Anna: I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's very sensitive.
Man III: Look, I'm sorr...
Anna: No, no, leave it. It's you know...
I'm sure you didn't mean any harm. I'm sure it was just friendly banter.
I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts.
Enjoy your dinner. The tuna's really good.
My whole life ruined because I don't read Hello magazine.
~William Thacker
Anna, a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.
~Max
William: I think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have.
To find someone you actually... love, who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule.
Look at me.
Apart from the American, I've only loved 2 girls, both total disasters.
Max: That's not fair.
William: No, really.
One of them marries me, then leaves me faster than you can say 'Indiana Jones'.
And the other... who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.
Bella: She still loves you, though.
William: In a depressingly asexual way.
Spike: I don't want to interfere or anything, but she's just split up from her boyfriend, right?
William: Maybe.
Spike: And she's in your house.
William: Yes.
Spike: And you get on very well.
William: Yes.
Spike: Well, isn't this, perhaps, a nice opportunity to... sleep her once.
William: Spike, for God's sakes. She's in trouble. Get a grip.
Spike: You think it's the wrong moment. Fair enough.
Anna: Rita Hayworth used to say,
"They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."
William: Who was Gilda?
Anna: Her most famous part.
Men went to bed with the dream, and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality.
Do you feel that way?
William: You are lovelier this morning that you have ever been.
Anna: Can I stay a bit longer?
William: Stay forever.
Anna: This is such an unbelievable mess.
I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip, and now I've just landed in it all over again.
For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend!
William: You have?
Anna: As far as they're concerned I do.
And now, tomorrow there'll be pictures of you in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu!
William: I know that, but... just let's stay calm.
Anna: You stay calm!
This is a perfect situation for you, isn't it? Minimum input, maximum publicity.
Everywhere you go, people will say,
"Well, done. You slept with that actress. We saw the pictures."
William: That is spectacularly unfair.
Anna: Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
William: Today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
Anna: Excuse me?
William: You know, it's just one day.
Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out.
Anna: You really don't get it.
This story will be filed.
Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever.
I'll regret this forever.
William: I will feel the opposite, if it's okay by you, and... always be glad that you came to stay.
No one knows why some things work out and some things don't.
~Bella
William: I live in Notting Hill. You live in...Beverly Hills.
Everyone in the world knows who you are.
My mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna: Fine... Good decision.
The fame thing isn't really real, you know.
And don't forget, I'm... I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
It was, sort of sweet, actually.
I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but...
she said she might be as famous as she can be,
but also that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him... to love her.
Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?
~William Thacker
Reporter: The last time you were here, there were some fairly graphic photographs
taken of you with a young English guy.
So, what happened there?
Anna: He was just a friend. We're still friends, I think.
[William raise his hand]
PR Chief: Yes, gentleman in a pink shirt.
William: Yes, Miss Scott, are there any circumstances in which the 2 of you
might be more than just good friends?
Anna: I hoped there would be, but no, I'm... assured there aren't.
William: But what would you say if...
PR Chief: Sorry, just one question, please.
Anna: No, it's all right. You were saying?
William: I was just wondering if it turned out that this person...
Reporter: Thacker. His name was Thacker.
William: Thanks... thanks.
I just wondered whether if Mr. Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick
and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider
whether you would, in fact, then reconsider?
Anna: Yes, I believe I would.
William: That's very good news.
*****
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